Closer to the edge
by SugarMuffin08
Summary: There is only one person you can turn to... someone who understands because he s been through the same. My first Steve / Kono story. Set after the finale.
1. Chapter 1

**First of all, THANK YOU to Shakespeare´s Lemonade for encouraging me to upload this! You are awesome! ;-)**

**This idea wouldn´t let go after I watched the finale again tonight. I wondered how Steve and Kono would deal with the past events. **

**Disclaimer: None is mine, all belongs to CBS and I definitely don´t earn any money with it.**

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><p>Kono leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes for a second. Being back with 5-0, with her ohana, left her feeling slightly insecure. As if the past events should have had a larger impact and she couldn´t help but feel guilty. Because she didn´t feel changed, she didn´t feel refined and she certainly didn´t plan on doing her job any other way then she used to. That was what 5-0 was about. Getting the job done and doing things, no police officer would dare to do.<p>

It´s been 5 days since 5-0 was reinstated by the new Governor of Hawaii. 5 days since the charges against her were dropped, she was back in her job and everything seemed to be back to normal. 5 days since Steve was back in his office, back as their leader and back as Danny´s partner. 5 days since Chin had handed his badge back and became a part of their dysfunctional ohana again.

And Kono still couldn´t help but feel insecure and out of place. The past events had shaken them all up, badly. So they should have left more than just footprints in wet sand, right? There should be more to it. It had to be. Because Kono remembered the pain, the fear and the helplessness vividly and she knew that the others felt the same. So why didn´t it matter anymore? Why was it so easy to slip back into their routine and it didn´t even feel wrong?

"Hey Kono, are you okay?" Steve´s voice startled her and she couldn´t help to wince. Forcing a smile onto her lips she met his eyes.

"Yeah, boss, I´m fine." she lied and the way he raised his eyebrow and cocked his head told her that he didn´t believe her for one second. But he let it go, at least for now.

"It´s good to have you back here, Kono." he finally said, after moments of silence that seemed to consume the space between them. Kono´s smile was genuine this time. Steve wasn´t big with words and she didn´t mind at all. She appreciated the fact that even though he knew he wasn´t good with choosing the right words, he was willing to try. To make her understand and to let her know that he was glad to be back and to have his team back.

"Good to be back too, Boss. It wasn´t easy and I don´t think I´m fully back here already..." Kono trailed off and for the first time in 5 days she saw the lines around his eyes and his mouth that seemed to have gotten deeper and more consice. There was a certain distance in his eyes, something that Kono had never seen before and she felt her stomach turn into a tight knot.

"It will be okay." he said quietly and Kono expected him to leave her office again, but instead he closed the door behind him and sat down in the chair in front of her desk. He leaned back, stretched his long legs and looked at her with a glance that Kono couldn´t identify. Still her heart started racing faster and she felt her palms get wet.

"I know." she replied and met his eyes. She had been right, there was a distance in his eyes, telling her that he was as insecure as she was. He felt as lost as she did, not sure how to handle things. And he was as confused as Kono was about the lack of impact. About the painful effortlessness with which things returned to normal, as if nothing had ever happened. When both knew that it was lie.

"Danny is still in Jersey but he and Rachel should be back tomorrow." Steve said, only to break the silence that was filled with unspoken words they weren´t ready to face yet.

Kono nodded, telling him that Chin had left already. It was a sunny Friday afternoon and it would be weekend soon. Chin was out to spend his day with Malia, his ex, who he had grown closer to over the past weeks. Kono wasn´t sure how to feel about that, but she also knew that the way things seemed to be could be wrong. She had thought that Malia had left Chin after he was accused of stealing money from the locker. But in the past weeks she had to learn that Chin had broken up with her to protect her. He wasn´t willing to tear down the woman he loved with him.

So it was only the two of them left.

"Wanna join me for a steak and some good Californian red wine?" Steve asked and she raised her eyebrow this time.

"Sure." she said. Despite the lightness of their conversation she knew they shared something, Danny and Chin wouldn´t understand. They were both thrown into the dust by the previous events. They were both accused of a crime and they both knew, they were guilty.

In a desperate attempt to will things to make sense again they reached out for each other. Kono knew her intentions. She knew why she was spending time with him, reaching out to him. She knew that a part of her – the one that was still torn, broken and lost – reached out to him to make sense again. She wanted him to be her hero so desperately that she refused to see how dangerously close she became to crossing the thin line they had drawn at the beginning of them working together.

But she had no idea why Steve suggested to spend more time then they had to. Why he wanted to see her after the work was done. Why he wanted to talk to her when he never was one to start a conversation like this to begin with. She had no idea and she honestly didn´t care. She wanted the feeling back that was 5-0. She wanted to feel safe and secure again, knowing her team would have her back and knowing that she could count on them. Knowing that 5-0 would be there when everything else would fail. She needed to find this basic trust again because she didn´t know how to survive without it.

And Steve was the only one to give that trust back. She put so much confidence and so much belief in him. It didn´t matter that he was as lost as she was, because she trusted him to be able to hold her and to put her back on track. Maybe she was just selfishly using him to make herself feeling better. Maybe this wasn´t about ohana, about 5-0 or about the team. Maybe this was only to comfort herself and to suck as much out of it as she could.

The drive home to Steve´s place was silent. Both unsure of what to say they were lost in their own thoughts. When they arrived Steve began preparing dinner and Kono set the table and then took the glass of wine he offered her, sitting down on a chair to watch him putting the steaks on the grill.

She watched him silently, the crashing of the waves against the sand in the background strangely comforting. It was nearly dark and they had lit up some lights on the lanai. The delicious smell of food made Steve realize how hungry he was. And he nearly chuckled to himself that this was the first time in nearly 3 weeks that he felt hunger. Or that he felt comfortable enough to do something as trivial as cooking.

He avoided looking at Kono. He knew that he would have to face her eventually, but not as long as his inside was such a mess. He needed to clear his head before he was able to talk to her. He hadn´t felt this torn in a long time. He knew that if he looked at her now he would do something stupid, something so dangerous that it would result in loosing the only anchor he had left. He felt her presence though, as if he could smell her perfume, the sun in her hair. He knew she was there and for this very moment it was enough.

Despite being her boss Steve knew, that he needed her maybe even more then she needed him. He never told her, how much she meant to him. How much he needed her confidence, her strong belief and her blind trust. How much a smile of her could make his day. How much he wanted to be a hero for her again, because that was the only way he knew how to be.

"You want another glass?" her voice interrupted the comfortable silence and Steve looked at her.

"Sure." he said and watched her grabbing the bottle and pouring him another glass. They toasted each other silently and smiled.

"It feels good to be here. To be honest I wasn´t sure I´d ever come back here again." Kono said. She felt the need to say something even if she hadn´t intented to be this forward. This wasn´t small talk and this wasn´t easy cost. But Kono knew she couldn´t stand the silence any longer.

Steve looked at her silently, his gaze intense and heated. She saw the turmoil inside him, the guilt edging on his face and she wanted to reach out and brush away those deep lines around his eyes.

"I´m sorry, Kono." he finally said and took a long sip of his wine.

"What for?" she asked surprised. After all, he had never forced her to do anything she wasn´t doing willingly.

"For not protecting you. I promised you and I failed." he said.

Kono got up and moved over to him, standing by his side, her shoulder barely brushing against his. She didn´t know if he would allow her to touch him, if she even wanted to touch him. But she knew she couldn´t be too far away from him.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Boss. I went with you willingly, to safe Chin´s life. And I knew that if we ever were caught, I´d have to face consequences. Don´t feel guilty for something that is not your fault." she finally said.

"I should have never let things go that far. This was my war, my vendetta and I risked the team for achieving something that was out of my reach the whole time. I should have seen it coming." he quietly said and if she didn´t know him that well, she might have missed the slight tremble in his voice and the little stiffness in his movements when he turned the steaks on the grill.

Kono turned her head and looked at him, taking in his profile. The strong jaw, the long eyelashes and the muscle twitching in his cheek. Kono wasn´t blind. She knew he was a good looking man. He was sexy and maybe even more so, he was beautiful. But she also knew that he was a good person. He had a strong belief and an even stronger will. He had high morals and he was willing to fight against destiny for the ones he loved. He´d never back down without a fight when there was still hope. He was her hero. The man she looked up to. The man that would always be a constant, a rock in her life. He was more than just her boss, but she would never tell him. Being the rookie had taught her that sometimes it had to be enough.

"You saved Chin´s life. And you did that without thinking about yourself. I wanted to follow you, Boss. There is no need to feel guilty or to apologize. I make my own decisions." she finally said and leaned back to watch the stars.

Steve turned his head to her. Looking at the woman by his side, he realized for the first time, that Kono was indeed a woman. Every case and every dangerous situation had made it easier for him to slip deeper into thinking, that she was the rookie. The young cop that had to learn and that had to be guided. But now, when it was the the two of them, he realized that she had grown up. He couldn´t help but feel a sting of guilt thinking that he was the reason she had to grow up fast and had to learn the hard way. Still the result was the same. She was a full-fledged part of the team. She could stand her ground. She could kick ass. And she didn´t need to be protected like a little sister, not anymore.

She was beautiful, inside and out. Maybe that was what had him drawn to her. Danny was his partner, his best friend. And Chin was his connection to his past, his father. But Kono was... Steve had no idea what she was, but he knew that he wouldn´t want to imagine a life without her. She had given him so much over the past year. Steve knew that he came to rely on her. That she had grown on him in a way, that Danny would never do. Simply because Kono gave him the feeling of being someone good, someone strong, someone he would want to be. She never doubted him. She looked up to him. She trusted him.

Clearing his throat he turned his gaze back to the steaks.

"Hungry?" he asked and when their eyes met, there was a smile on his lips, curving them upwards and making the lines around his eyes appear less deep.

"I´m starving!" Kono chuckled and handed him a plate. Why was it that around him suddenly things seemed to be easier? That it was okay to feel insecure, because she knew, he would always be there to protect her?

Sitting down they began to eat and after a few minutes, they were talking about Danny and Chin and about the good old times. The mood was light as if they knew what the other one needed. They laughed and enjoyed some more wine. And it didn´t matter. Because it was okay to let control slip for a moment. This was safe ground. This was ohana.

"Let me help you clean up and then let´s go swimming." Kono said when she got up.

"I´m fine with swimming but you don´t have to help me." Steve replied with a smile.

"Nah boss, after feeding me that is the least I can do." she insisted and together they cleaned the kitchen. The mood remained light and relaxed and Steve felt at ease for the first time since his world began to crash down. He was grateful for Kono being with him tonight.

"So, ready for some swimming at...," he looked at his watch, surprised to see how late it actually was. "... at 1am?" he asked with a smirk that reminded Kono of the careless and happy times.

"The one who´s in the water the last has to buy a round of drinks next time we go out." she laughed and before Steve could reply, her tank top hit his chest while she took off towards the dark sea behind his house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews and the encouragement. And a special thanks to Shakespeare´s Lemonade for your help with this.**

**I´ve decided to continue, but it won´t be a full plot story, rather like episodes that show the development and the growing they both will go through. There will be some parts involving Danny and Chin as well. Some tears, laughter and hurt.**

**So I appreciate every feedback to this story! Let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: None is mine! I don´t earn any money with it and I certainly don´t want to offend or hurt anyone.**

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><p>"Kono!" Steve bellowed, anger and frustration more than evident in his voice and Kono winced inwardly. But on the outside she was calm, waiting for him to approach her. She´d never admit it but she had to take all her courage to face him.<p>

"My office. Now!" he growled when he walked past her and she sighed, following him into his office. Closing the door with extreme caution she turned around to face him, waiting for him to talk.

"Sit down." he ordered and Kono felt a childish urge to refuse. But the look in his eyes told her to no push her luck. So she sat down in the chair in front of his desk, her back straight and her hands resting on her thighs.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing today?" Steve yelled at her and Kono couldn´t help but flinch and sink deeper into the chair as if she was trying to find a place to hide. To hide from his more than obvious and more than justified anger.

"I was doing my job." she said and even in her own ears it sounded more like a sorry excuse. She knew that she failed today, that she betrayed her training and him. She knew that Steve was worried and probably disappointed.

"Your job? Do you think your job is to walk into a building without any back up when you know that there were 3 people held hostage? Do you think your job is to risk your life when you were ordered to stay put?" Steve´s voice dropped a note. He was no longer yelling but the icy tone made Kono wish he would yell at her.

"Boss, you were too far away and Chin and Danny hadn´t arrived at the scene yet." she tried to argue but was interrupted when Steve turned around, his back to her. He was staring out the window, his hands shoved into the pockets of his pants and his shoulders were so tense, Kono could feel the muscles scream in pain.

"I gave you an order, Kono!" he said and Kono´s heart sank. His voice was quiet and bare any emotion and she knew that she had disappointed him.

"Boss, I know that I ignored your order but I saw a chance and I had to take it. The 3 victims were saved and we booked the perp." Kono reasoned with him and Steve stifled a sigh. He knew she was right. But there was more to it and he just didn´t know how to make her see that her jumping into a dangerous situation could have meant that she got shot. Or worse, that she got killed.

"That´s not the point." he said and turned around to face her. His face showed no emotion but his eyes seemed to bore into her and Kono began to feel uncomfortable. "The point is you refused to follow a direct order I gave you, Kono. And it´s not the first time in the last days that you´re acting reckless and careless. You risked the life of 3 innocent people today, Kono. They could have easily been killed because you decided to play Rambo."

"I wasn´t reckless! And I never risked their lives!" Kono said and lifted her chin stubbornly. She wouldn´t back down. She knew that she had made a mistake and she knew that ignoring his order would get her into trouble. But she would do it again if she had to. Why didn´t he see that? Why didn´t he see why she had to do it?

"Kono, you are suspended for the next 7 days. I suggest you choose the time to think about some things." he said, his voice hard and his face a mask. He wouldn´t let her see how hard it was for him to take that from her. To ground her, keep her from her job and her profession. Steve turned to the window again before saying: "Leave your weapon and the badge on my desk on your way out."

Kono stared at his back, unable to believe what he had said.

"Steve..."

"This conversation is over, Kono."

Tears filled her eyes when she stood and removed her gun and her badge from the holster on her belt. Her thumb brushed over the badge in a near gentle gesture before she placed is on his desk.

Steve hardened himself, not willing to let his emotions surface. He heard her place her gun and badge on his desk and then he only heard the door to his office clunk shut quietly.

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><p>Coming back to his empty house wasn´t as pleasurable as Steve had hoped. He had spent all day working on a case that left him feeling disturbed because there was no easy answer to that. He knew that the suspect was guilty; he knew that the man had shot his daughter's killer. But still Steve couldn´t help but feel that he would have hoped for a different outcome. A part of him was willing to let this man go, no penalty would bring his daughter back and this loss would be something, he´d have to suffer every day of his life. He would never be able to forget listening to the cruel, brutal and disturbing details of her death that he had forced out of the killers mouth.<p>

Steve had been waiting to go home, the silence of his house sounded like a soothing promise that would help him calm down and put some distance between himself and the case. But now that he stood in the middle of his living room in the darkness, he knew that the silence wasn´t soothing. It was weighing heavily on him.

It´s been 3 days since he had suspended Kono and he had to fight Danny and Chin who were accusing him of being too hard on the rookie. And maybe they were right. Maybe he had allowed his anger to get the best of him and maybe, just maybe, his fear had let him act the way he did. Still he knew that he had to do it. He had to make her understand that first of all, he was the one giving the orders. He was responsible for their safety and her going berserk wasn´t helping. His conscious told him though that he wasn´t entirely fair because she only imitated him.

He knew that she followed his lead, that her behavior was a result of working with him. He usually was the one to act like that, to use unorthodox methods to get things done. And it wasn´t fair to only blame her, when he wasn´t exactly a good role model to begin with.

With a frustrated sigh Steve rubbed the hurting muscles in his neck and before thinking any further, he grabbed his keys and left his house. Getting into his truck he wondered for a second if he was really going to do that, but he realized that it was the only thing he could do.

It took him 20 minutes to get to his destination but another 45 minutes to leave the car and walk up to the apartment complex where Kono lived. By now it was dark and he welcomed the slightly cooler air. Lifting his hand to knock at her door he stopped again. He knew he hadn´t thought this through and it wasn´t like him to act purely on instinct, not when it was something personal, something emotional. He didn´t know if she would even open, if she would talk to him. And he knew that there was nothing he could do about it, he couldn´t force her to talk to him. But he had to try, otherwise there was no way he would be able to sleep again that night. Let alone work with her again in a way that wouldn´t get both of them killed.

Finally he lifted his hand again and knocked. He heard no noise, but a few seconds later the door was opened and Kono looked at him. Their eyes met and Steve was a little shocked that there was no surprise at all. Like she had expected him to show up at her door.

"Come in." she said and turned around, not waiting for him to follow. He closed the door behind him and followed her to the small sofa. He saw a pack of Häagen Dazs Coconut Truffle ice cream on the table and he couldn´t help but smile.

Kono sat down on the far end of the sofa and watched him. She didn´t say a word but her eyes never left him and Steve knew that she wouldn´t make it any easier for him. She didn´t have to though, he knew that.

"I´m not gonna apologize for suspending you, Kono. It might have been overreacting though. We need to talk, need to work things through if we want to be able to work together." he began when he sat down on the opposite side of the sofa. There was a more than obvious distance between them and it wasn´t only the space on the sofa. Steve felt the need to remind her of their roles, he was her boss. He couldn´t let them cross a boundary that they weren´t meant to cross.

"I know." she simply said and pulled her knees up, hugging her arms around them.

"This is only going to work when we both know the rules. And we stick to them. When I´m ordering you to stay put it´s not because I think you´re not capable of going in on your own and getting the job done." Their eyes met again and Kono saw so many emotions in them she had to swallow hard. "It´s because it´s my job to make sure you are safe. It´s because I don´t want you to risk your life in a reckless manner."

"So you are the only one who is allowed to walk in and solve something like that but we have to be by the book? You´re telling me that the rules don´t apply for you?" she asked and her voice was still calm. She wasn´t accusing and she wasn´t prying, she was just stating a fact. A fact that they both knew was true. And they both knew why. Steve wasn´t one to play by the book but he did what he did because he trusted his instincts and his training and he knew what he was doing. He was willing to put his life at risk to save innocent lives, but he wasn´t going to allow his team to do the same.

„It´s not..." he started.

"Don´t tell me it´s not the same, Boss, because it would be a lie." she interrupted him. Steve sighed and closed his eyes for a second.

"It´s okay for us to worry about you and to wonder if this time you´ll be the one who gets shot when you do that. It´s okay for us to curse your reckless manner. Because you know what you are doing and you are willing to risk your life, when the rest of us is ordered to stay put. We are a team, Steve, and we are all capable of doing the job!"

"Kono, that´s not what this is about! When I give you or Chin or Danny an order, I expect you to follow it! How am I supposed to keep you safe when you walk into a hostage situation with 2 armed guys and 3 civilians? Tell me, how I should do that?" Steve rose and walked over to the window, trying to calm himself down. This didn´t go as planned and he felt his insights churn. He was afraid that his outburst had let him say more than he ever intented to.

"I can take care of myself, Boss." Kono said quietly, watching his back. She knew he was worried and she knew that he felt obliged to protect her.

"I know you do, Kono. But I can´t... I can´t risk losing you… or any other member of the team." he whispered and hung his head. And Kono understood. She wanted to go to him and touch him, assuring him and telling him she knew, that she understood. But she couldn´t. She knew that he needed to keep his stand, his position as her boss, that he maintained the distance for the purpose of protecting the team. And himself.

"I´m sorry, Boss." she said and inwardly she whispered 'I didn´t mean to scare you. I´m sorry, I hurt you. I understand and I accept the way things are. I´ll try not to do it again.' But she never said them. It was irrelevant.

Steve turned around to face her and Kono swallowed again when she saw the emotions he wasn´t hiding anymore.

"I need this to work, Kono. I need to trust you to follow my orders. I need you to... to understand." he said and his eyes pleaded with her. She could only nod, not trusting her voice at all.

"I know you can kick ass, Kono. But I need you to know when to step back." Again she nodded. Steve stood there, watching her, his hands shoved into the back pockets of his jeans and a small smile grew on her lips. Steve smiled back.

"We´re good?" he asked and Kono nodded. "We´re good."


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for all the reviews and messages and alerts! Totally made my day. I love feedback.**

**So, here is another chapter. Something more fun. But just be warned, that might change quickly, you never know :-)**

**Disclaimer: As usual.**

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><p>"Danny, Chin, check the front! Kono, you´re with me!" Steve whispered, his gun pointed at the door. Kono drew her gun, following him inside, checking the surrounding, having his back. When Steve peaked around the corner that led to the living room, Kono saw someone approaching him from behind, a gun aiming at Steve. And Kono fired, shot the big Samoan guy without even hesitating. Steve turned around right at that moment, watching the guy fall, being dead before he even hit the floor. His eyes turned to Kono, who smirked at him and he flashed her a half smile.<p>

Checking room by room they found the place clear. Apparently the Samoan had been the only person inside and they found the evidence they were looking for. Granted, the suspect was dead but the evidence was enough to lead up to his boss.

Packing up the evidence they returned to HQ and started sorting through things. Kono was aware of the fact that Steve looked at her several times, but she was unable to read his face. He didn´t say anything until later, when she was ready to leave.

"Kono? You have a minute?" he asked.

"Sure." she followed him into his office and closed the door behind her. Danny and Chin shared a confused look but finally Danny shrugged. He´d find out what was going on, just not now.

"Look, about today..." Steve began but Kono interrupted him, feeling slightly awkward. She knew what he was going to say.

"It´s okay, Boss. Just did my job." she flashed him a smile.

"Thank you, Kono. For having my back." he said and smiled at her as well. For a moment Kono felt her heart skip a beat when she saw the emotion in his eyes. His smile was beautiful and warm and she knew that today she had gained back a little for the trust he had lost in her due to her little stunt with the hostage. He´d never admit it but Kono knew that this little episode was still nagging at him.

"Welcome, Boss." she smiled and turned around, leaving.

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><p>"Okay... and then he pulled his gun and you could see that he wasn´t sure how to use it... and he tried to aim at me..." Danny laughed when he shared the story with his team mates. It was Friday night and they decided it was time for some team bonding. Sitting in a bar with some cold beers in front of them seemed like the best idea to spend a Friday night.<p>

"So he held the gun, or did the gun hold him? Either way, I found it hard to be intimidated or feel threatened by him, because he was even shorter than me," they laughed so hard they had to stop to catch some breath. "And then he started to talk."

By now Steve was holding his belly. He remembered that moment vividly and he knew what was next.

"And no offense at all, but when he started to talk he was stuttering all over! I assume - and I can only assume given the situation because honestly I didn´t understand a word he tried to say – he wanted me to drop my gun. But he never got over the first word. Seriously, I felt so sorry for this guy, I was even tempted to help him finish that sentence and threaten myself!"

Kono laughed listening to Danny´s story and wiped a tear from laughing so hard. She felt relaxed and it put her mind at ease to have her team mates around. It was just like it should be, like it used to be. It felt good to be part of the team again, to have her ohana back.

Over the table her eyes met Steve´s and she saw the small smile tugging at his lips. She knew he felt the same way and she hoped that this moment wouldn´t end. It was like a drug, something she was addicted to. She needed this team, needed the confidence it provided.

"And Stevie-boy here decided that it would be fun to actually threaten him. He didn´t even have to say a word he just stared at him with his "I´m SuperSEAL and I can kill you with one of my laser glares"..." They laughed imagining the scene.

"He was a whimp." Steve stated and Danny nodded, taking a sip of his beer.

"He was. Still I can´t get over the fact that people are willingly shitting their pants just because you glare at them. And this poor guy totally lost his voice, he squeaked like a pig."

Steve just chuckled and gulped down his beer. The grin never left his face and when his eyes met Kono´s again, he couldn´t help but feel his smile grow. She looked so happy and relaxed tonight. The week has been hard and they had been closing a case that had been keeping them busy for the past 2 weeks. It was a good day. He knew exactly how Kono felt and he was glad that they were sharing this moment.

Being back in his role as the leader of Hawaii Five-0 was something, that Steve cherished every day. Because he wouldn´t know what else to do. Go back to active duty? It would have been the logical consequence still he couldn´t help but be relieved that he wasn´t forced to make that decision. He had found himself a new home and a new duty with 5-0.

"So Stevie-boy, are you ready for another round of beer? Or would you rather switch to something more manly like Whiskey?" Danny asked and Steve chuckled.

"Why does this question sounds less like you are really interested in what I want but more like a suggestion of something you want?" he laughed and Danny pouted at his partner. Chin and Kono shared a look before bursting into laughter again.

Suddenly Kono turned her head to the music and started to squirm.

"Anyone up for a dance?" she asked and faced three scared, manly faces that had her laughing again. These guys were willingly facing perps, guns, explosions and car chases but they were afraid to dance? She looked at Steve pointedly.

"Boss?"

"Ah... Kono, I think I´ll pass this time." he said and flashed her his biggest smile as an apology.

"Oh come on, you´re not afraid are you?" she teased, knowing very well that he would get the challenge. And she loved to tease her boss. Even if it was just to show him that there were situations where he was not in control.

When Danny and Chin started to encourage Steve to dance with her she knew that the only reason for this surprising support was that they saw a way to get out of this. After all he was the boss and he should handle a challenge, right?

"I am not afraid!" Steve protested weakly. When Kono moved over and took his hand, he didn´t put up much resistance though and let her pull him up and to the small dance floor.

They found a spot on the dancefloor and even though Steve rolled his eyes in mock surrender, he swung her around and pulled her into his arms to sway to the Hawaiian version of "Somewhere over the rainbow".

"You never struck me as the kind of girl to like those cheesy songs." he smirked and Kono laughed.

"I grew up with that song, my uncle used to play it for me all the time. I guess that was the only song he could play, but I didn´t care. I had this birthday pyjama party when I was 9 and we stayed up late and I remember this song being in the radio and we all went wild." she said.

It was a moment of wonderful memories. And a wonderful moment in his arms. She was surprised how easily she fit in them, as if she was meant to be. His strong arms around her held her safely and no matter how much he would deny it, Steve was a good dancer. His movement was smooth and he led her perfectly, allowing her to completely relax against him.

Steve knew that he shouldn´t feel this good holding her in his arms. He knew he shouldn´t pull her closer only to feel her melt against him. But she felt so good, so right in his arms. The way she swayed against him, gently brushing against his body. The way she followed his lead and allowed herself to purely enjoy this dance.

He knew that Chin and Danny were watching them but he couldn´t care any less. This moment right there with Kono in his arms, it felt like things could be okay again. He was happy and relaxed and his thoughts weren´t driving him wild anymore.

He looked down at her and their eyes met. Smiling at each other Steve swung her around again, watching her eyes sparkle and the dimple on her face deepen. She looked so young, so carefree and so full of life that Steve found himself being absorbed into her presence. He knew that he wasn´t acting professionally but he couldn´t help but enjoy her lightness.

When the song ended, they moved back to the table where Chin and Danny were waiting. Kono shivered a little when Steve´s hand on the small of her back guided her. She didn´t mind it at all. Not at all.

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><p>Kono smiled widely when she killed the engine in front of her apartment. Sitting in the dark she leaned her head back against the rest and closed her eyes for a moment, the smile never leaving her face.<p>

It felt good to be back, good to have her team, her ohana back. She knew it would take a while for them to get over the past events and each one of them was dealing with his own package. But tonight showed her that things would be okay again.

Danny was back. And so were Rachel and Grace. But things had changed completely and Danny had given up on the idea of having his family back. He still loved Rachel, but knowing she was pregnant with Stan´s baby and knowing that it didn´t mean anything to her that Danny and she had come closer again, had broken his heart. For good. He had given up the idea of being a full-time father again. Of having the woman he loved by his side. Maybe there were two sides of this medal, but Kono didn´t really care what Rachel intentions were. She knew Danny hurt and she wanted to have only 5 minutes with Rachel. Just to make her understand what she had done.

Danny would insist that he was fine. And maybe he was, with his ohana. Still it would take some time until the nagging pain would fade.

Chin on the other hand was a different topic. His actions had caused a lot of doubt and anger in Danny and even Steve had a hard time accepting what Chin felt obliged to do. He always had a very strong belief in doing the right thing and in protecting his loved ones. By extend that means 5-0 as well. It was just tragic that his actions always worked for everyone else but him. Ever since he was accused of stealing money from the locker and now when he went back to HPD to help 5-0, the outcome and the aftermath were damaging him.

Sometimes Kono wondered how much he was able to take before he would break. He never complained and he never changed, he was unwavering. And then there was Malia. As much as Kono wanted to hate her, finding out the truth about their break up and that Malia really wasn´t the one to blame, made Kono see things in a different light. Maybe Malia was just what Chin needed right now. Maybe she was the one to show him, that he didn´t have to give up his own life to save his family. Kono wasn´t too keen on seeing her again anytime soon, but she knew that she would have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

And then there was Steve. Her boss. Her hero. Kono chuckled. When she had danced with him tonight, she had forgotten about the boss/rookie relationship they had. It was dangerous, and Kono knew that she had to be careful. But just thinking back about him and the way he held her, made her inside tingle.

For a moment Kono allowed herself to enjoy the memory and to not guard her feelings. She wasn´t ready to admit anything and she wasn´t sure she ever would be, because she didn´t want things to change. He was her boss and they had to remain professional. And distant. But in the darkness and silence of her car she allowed herself to think of him as simply a man. A man that touched something inside her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for everyone who read, reviewed or alerted this story. I have to say that I´m not sure where to go with this, I like the dynamic though and I guess, we´ll find out where it goes. Let me know what you think.**

**Thank you, Shakespeare´s Lemonade, for your support and the suggestions!**

**Warning: Rating changed to T just to be safe! **

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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><p>When a shot rang through the air, leaving the stinging smell of hot metal and the disturbing silence that followed, Steve felt his inside tie into a knot. 'NO!NO!NO!' Willing his muscles to work harder, push him further to get to her before she hit the ground, he knew that it was futile. With a silent moan he watched her body fall, hitting the dirty concrete. With nearly morbid fascination he watched her gun slide over the ground.<p>

Running towards the building he felt his blood freeze. She lay on the ground like a broken doll, blood from a shot wound on her abdomen sipping through her shirt. She lay perfectly still and Steve felt a fear deep inside that this time he might be too late. The guy who shot her towered above her, his gun pointing at her head and Steve knew he only had split seconds left. So he aimed and shot without thinking, hearing the satisfying gasp followed by a loud thud when the dead body hit the floor.

Kneeling beside her he frantically searched for a pulse and felt immense relief wash over him when he found it. Weak and fluttering, but it was there. Pulling out his phone he called the EMT and then pulled her into his arms, cradling her slender body to his chest like he would hold Grace. He pressed his hand against the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. Her warm blood sipped through his fingers and Steve needed every ounce of his strength to not lose it.

"Stay with me… stay with me." He repeated over and over again and even though it was merely a whisper his voice was harsh and demanding, like he could simply order her to. His subconscious registered vaguely that the gun fight was over and then he saw Danny and Chin approach their position.

Rushing over to Steve´s side, Chin nearly slid over the concrete in his attempt to get to Kono.

"Kono? Keiki, you hear me?" he asked and the panic in his voice made it that much harder for Steve to remain calm. Usually Chin´s cool and collected manner was the backbone of the team, but seeing his young cousin lying in Steve´s arms was a sight that let him forget everything else.

"She´ll be okay, EMT is on its way." Steve said and was surprised that his voice was calm and steady.

"What happened?" Danny asked, his eyes darting to the street to make sure the EMT would get to them asap.

"She went over to the warehouse when that guy over there turned around the corner and shot her." Steve said and Chin glanced at the dead body quickly, registering the bullet hole right between the eyes and the look of utter surprise on his face.

"Why did she try to get in without back up?" Chin asked, slowly calming down. Steve knew that he should let Chin hold her until the medics arrived but he couldn´t make himself let go of her. Chin held her hand, his fingers pressed into her wrist as if that would help her pulse to keep her alive.

"She didn´t, I was her back up. But before I could get to her I was attacked. It took me only a minute, but it was too late." Guilt seeped into his voice and he had to clear his throat. This just sounded like a fucking bad joke. He had failed her again but this time the outcome might destroy him.

"EMT is here!" Danny yelled and went to guide them to their position. Steve looked up and met Chin´s eyes and he swallowed hard when he saw the unshed tears in the older man´s eyes.

"I´m so sorry, Chin." he whispered. Chin only nodded.

Seconds later the medics took over and Chin had to actually pull Steve away from Kono. But Steve watched carefully as the medics began to rip open her shirt and provide first aid. Resting his hand on the younger man´s shoulder Chin looked at him.

"She´s going to be okay, Boss." He didn´t say anything else but he saw his boss shaking, trembling, his body tense with the afford to fight his emotions. "I´m going to the hospital with her. I´ll see you there." Chin said and ran over to the ambulance. Steve´s eyes followed him and he saw Chin sitting down by Kono´s side, holding her hand and then the doors closed.

"Hey… you okay?" Danny´s voice startled him and Steve drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, he had his feelings under control again.

"I´m fine." he said, his eyes watching the ambulance leave. He wanted nothing more than to go straight to the hospital, but he knew that Chin was with her. And he needed to clear the scene.

"You´re bleeding." Danny stated, his voice thick with worry.

"I´m fine, it´s not… it´s not mine." Steve said.

"Hell, stop playing SuperSEAL, will you? Kono is in good hands now, she´ll be okay. We need to get you checked, you´re shot!" Steve looked at him surprised and then he followed Danny´s eyes to his shoulder. Seeing the bullet hole was the trigger, because hot white pain shot through his shoulder.

"Didn´t feel it." he said.

"Adrenaline." was all Danny said when he turned his back to his partner and walked a few steps before turning around. "You coming? We´ll get you to the hospital." Danny forced a grin onto his lips and he watched, as Steve slowly followed him.

"We need to clear…. " Steve began.

"HPD is here to take care of that." Danny assured him. He lifted his hands in mock surrender when Steve refused to accept his help to get into Danny´s car. He saw Steve pale and quickly got into the car to make sure he´d be treated asap.

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><p>"Commander, you need to keep still so we can clean your wound." The elderly doctor said, his voice nearly hitching with frustration, when his patient wasn´t patient at all. He kept squirming and seemed to be on the edge, ready to leave the ER right away.<p>

Steve simply growled at his doctor and then forced himself to relax and at least give him the time to patch up his shoulder again. There wasn´t much he could do right now anyway. Kono was in surgery and Chin would inform them as soon as he heard something. Danny went over to HPD to help them close the case after he had made sure that Steve was taken care of.

An hour later Steve approached Chin who sat on a chair in the waiting area in front of the surgery.

"Hey, you okay, Boss? How is the shoulder?" Chin asked and watched the SEAL carefully. He noticed the dark circles around Steve´s eyes and the harsh lines that were showing around his mouth. He looked tired and his clothes were stained with blood. Kono´s blood.

"I´m okay. Any news?" he asked and Chin shook his head no.

"She´s still in surgery."

They fell silent, both men lost in their own thoughts. Today marked one of the worst days in Steve´s life. Not only did he come close to losing a member of his team, but he also failed to provide adequate backup to a rookie that relied on his strength.

Steve felt Chin looking at him, but he couldn´t bring himself to meet his eyes. He didn´t want to see the anger, the rejection and the pain in them, not when he was overwhelmed by his own grief, guilt and fear. Because he was scared, to death.

"I´m sorry, Chin. I should have protected her… and I failed again..." Steve´s voice was broken and Chin was allowed to catch a glimpse at the turmoil raging inside his boss. He hadn´t seen him this torn ever and it left him slightly uneasy to know, that his cousin apparently had touched something. Something that Steve had buried deep inside him, under layers of coolness and distance. Something that wasn´t meant to emerge.

"It´s not your fault, Steve. Kono is strong, she´ll get through this." Chin squeezed his shoulder assuringly. "And she knew about the dangers of the job. She wouldn´t act careless, it´s just… it just happened but it´s not your fault!"

"If I had been there a minute earlier…."

"No Steve! Stop! This could have happened at any time. She is a damn good cop, you know that. Don´t insult her by allowing your worry and your sense of responsibility to be overly protective. Kono would kick your ass from here to Saturday if she knew you´re wearing yourself out."

Steve chuckled a little, knowing that Chin was right. Damn, he knew that he was right, that this was just bad luck. It was a fucking joke fate decided to make and it didn´t sit well with Steve at all. He´d be willing to do whatever it takes to have her back, unharmed. He´d switch places with her. Because Kono didn´t deserve to be here. He just wanted her back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Of course I wouldn´t let Kono die! I´m not that evil... Just a reminder, this story isn´t a full plot story, it´s little episodes into their lives. Let me know what you think.**

**A special thanks to the wonderful Shakespeare´s Lemonade for encouraging me! I owe you :-)**

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><p>Groaning she tried to open her eyes, but for some odd reason it felt like her eyelids were glued together and there was no way she could open them. So instead she tried to take a deep breath, feeling pain shoot through her abdomen right to her brain. Squeezing her eyes shut, she felt a hand on her forehead, gently brushing her hair out of her sweaty face. It was hot, dark and she had no idea what had happened, but she felt better when the hand didn´t disappear.<p>

Slowly her brain began to work again and she was able to hear soft whispered words over the constant and annoying beeping of machines. She knew what that meant, she was in hospital. She got herself shot. Thankfully she was still alive. And then the memories came back about the shooter, the pain, Steve holding her and ordering her to stay with him. She had wanted to tell him that she was okay but her body betrayed her and so she could only listen to his whispered plea.

She groaned again and felt a thumb brushing away a tear that slid out of her closed eyes.

"It´s okay, Kiddo. Relax." A warm, faceless voice whispered and she obliged. It cost too much energy to try and open her eyes anyway. All she wanted right now was slip back into the forgiving darkness without pain or fear.

Time had no meaning. Kono drifted in and out of conciousness without any feeling about what day it was or what daytime. But one thing remained the same all the time. Whenever she would groan or felt like emerging from the fog that clouded her brain, there was a warm, steady hand to guide her and to provide a connection to the real world.

She didn´t know that Steve was sitting by her side the whole time. He hardly left, only when Chin or Danny threatened him to. He felt obliged to sit there and he felt like he had to feel bad and tired and exhausted. Because he failed her and by sitting there he might be able to make up for it.

He knew that he looked terrible and Danny had pointed out just that. It´s been 3 days since he had last slept in a bed, showered longer than to rinse off the sweat and dirt and eaten a full meal. But he didn´t mind at all.

The doctor told them that Kono was lucky, the bullet had missed the aorta and she´d be fine. She had lost a lot of blood and the doctor wasn´t sure that the damage done to her uterus would mean that she´d be able to have children. Steve couldn´t remember everything but the words "She´ll be fine" and "she was lucky" "bullet missed the aorta by half an inch" were burned into his head and he found himself relying on them. Still there was a part of him that, even though desperately waiting for her to wake up, that was afraid to face her.

He felt torn between his sense of responsibility to do his duty as head of Hawaii 5-0 and the leader of his team. And the need to be there for Kono. Though he wasn´t sure what was the stronger motive. Was it his consciousness? His guilt? His need to be in control of things? Or did he again allow a member of his team to come close enough to him to touch something inside him?

Steve cursed silently. It had been so much easier being in the SEALs when only your survival depended on other members of your team. You followed orders and you did what needs to be done. You are trained to expect the worst and deal with it. You know how to focus and you know how to accomplish and deliver. But this? This was something Steve McGarrett hadn´t expected and he wasn´t prepared for it. Nor did he want to be in a position that made it impossible to stick to procedure. It wasn´t an operation and it wasn´t a mission.

This was his team, his ohana. It was personal. And it was close, closer than he ever cared to admit. He wanted to keep them safe. No, scratch that, he needed to keep them safe. There was nothing higher up in priority than that. He had a hard time dealing with being a civilian and most of the time it was a walk on a very thin line that was even harder to see. But he dealt with it, for his team. And maybe because he felt like that was his connection to the way his life could have been. Could, if it weren´t for his mother´s or his father´s death, for Mary´s kidnapping, for Jameson´s betrayal. For the fact that his team had been ripped apart and Kono had to face IA without him there to back her up. For the fact that she had to worry about her future, about her survival when he was facing his own demons and past. She had to endure too much. For him.

He knew his team, each and every single member was capable of dealing with it. They were strong and they worked together perfectly. They relied on each other. And even if a small part of Steve considered that still a weakness, he knew that was the motor that got them all going. He would never be able to explain to them why he was the way he was. Danny knew. Steve had no doubt about it. Danny knew things that scared the shit out of Steve but he also knew to trust his partner. Still he felt somewhat... left outside. He´s been in jail for Jameson´s murder for a week, not more. Just a week, 7 days. Still there was something that was drawing a wedge between them, something none of them voiced or was even willing to acknowledge. But it was there, in the back of their minds.

Steve didn´t doubt for a second that this feeling was the reason that Kono was here now. The reason he hesitated, the reason he doubted and the reason he feared. Danny would call it being human, and Steve agreed, willing a voice inside to shut the fuck up who insisted it was nothing more than weakness. He got soft, he knew that. His training still came in handy and kicked in whenever needed. But his heart opened up to those 3 strangers, well actually there was Grace as well.

"Steve?" a soft, weak whisper broke his thoughts and his eyes immediately turned back to the form in the bed.

"How are you feeling, Kiddo?" he asked and his thumb brushed over her hand and wrist.

"Like I got shot." she tried a weak smile but to Steve, it meant everything.

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><p>"Boss, if you don´t stop doing that right here and right now, I´m gonna kick your sorry ass!" Kono fumed, glaring at her boss. And she didn´t care the least bit that it was her boss, that he was outranking her and that he was towering over her, while she leaned back against the smart table.<p>

It´s been 4 weeks since she got shot and 1 week since she was back to work. The doctor ordered her to be careful and she was. No stunts. No close up wrestling with guy that were bigger than her. No shootings without cover. No running into a hostage situation without back up. She tried so hard to both please her doctor. And Steve.

But judging from the look in his eyes she failed miserably.

"I´m just saying you should stop for a moment and drink enough." Steve said innocently but Kono saw the grin tugging at his lips. And for some reason it made her anger rise.

"Will do, Mom!" she growled and turned to her office, shutting the door behind her. Chin looked confused but smiled. He knew that the storm would be over soon. Danny though couldn´t understand what was going on. Or maybe he wasn´t ready to admit it. Chin hadn´t said a word but he saw things were changing. Slowly, almost unnoticed, but they were.

He wasn´t sure he liked that change. But he was willing to admit to himself that he had no say in it. He doubted that Steve or Kono realised it but the way they looked at each other spoke volumes. He had to face it, his cousin was growing up, maybe she had been for a long time. And she didn´t need him anymore to protect her or to be her hero. She might have found herself a different hero, one that would save her in a way he never could.

So all he could do was sit back and watch. Because he knew better then to start talking her out of it. This wasn´t his life and he had no right to say something that he knew would only be for his own comfort.

Kono sighed tiredly when she leaned back in her chair. It took all her strength to not flinch, she didn´t want her team to worry. Or to bother her with well-meant advices. She knew they worried and it would have been cute, if it wasn´t her they were worried about. It seemed like they watched every step and every move she made. They even brought her coffee or water and slowly Kono was getting pissed. She didn´t want them to act like this.

She knew she had been shot and she knew it would take a while to heal and for her to recover. She wasn´t cleared for duty yet, so all she did was paperwork. Hence the increased frustration. And when Steve told her to drink more earlier, she just felt like she could slap him. It was enough. She had enough.

"Hey Kono, you wanna go for a beer?" Steve´s voice startled her and she looked up at him.

"Sorry boss, not tonight." she said and tried to smile at him. Steve raised his eyebrow and looked at her, waiting for an explanation. And Kono just smiled at him, hoping he would think... something that was far away from the truth.

"A date?" he asked and even though he was still smiling at her, Kono knew that his guard went up and he watched his real emotions carefully. Kono just shrugged, thankful that he jumped on to it. She´d never tell him that she was in pain and that she was exhausted. The last thing she wanted was a worried and overly protective guard by her side.

"Okay..." Steve smirked at her and watched her intently when she stood up.

"I´m gonna call it a night. I´ll see you tomorrow, Boss." she said with a smile and left the HQ. She never saw the frown on Steve´s face.

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><p>"Damn!" Kono cursed when she stood up from her sofa without thinking about her healing wound. The knock at the door had startled her. It was 11pm and she had just thought about going to bed.<p>

"This better is a damn good reason..." she started but shut up when she saw who was standing in front of her after she opened her door.

"You never check who´s on the other side?" Steve asked, his eyebrow raised again and Kono wanted to slam the door shut.

"No... I mean, yes, usually I do... What do you want here, Boss?" she asked.

"I wanted to make sure you are okay." he said and simply walked passed her into her living room.

"Come in..." she mumbled and sighed before closing the door again.

"Want a beer?" she asked and Steve nodded. Kono walked over to the kitchen and got him a beer. She leaned against the counter for a minute and took a deep breath before walking over to the small sofa and handing him a beer.

Sitting down opposite of him she wished, she would wear something different than her sleeping shorts and a top. After all this was her boss and she felt strangely uncomfortable and vulnerable right now. The scar was itching and it reminded her constantly of the fact that she got shot and nearly died. She didn´t want her team to worry about her, she just wanted things to go back to the way they were before. She never realized that she was the one who had changed and that she couldn´t go back just like that.

"Why won´t you let us help you?" Steve broke the silence.

"Help? Boss, you´re crushing me with your help!" she laughed but there was no humor in it and Steve raised his eyebrow again.

"Stop looking at me like this! You know what I mean. You and Danny are all over me. All the time. I can´t even breath without you noticing it." Taking a deep breath Kono leaned back. She needed to get her feelings under control. This little outburst was more than she ever wanted to admit. "I know you are worried, but I am fine."

"Really?" he asked calmly as if she hadn´t just yelled at him.

"Yes, really." their eyes met and Kono felt a very sudden and absolutely not professional urge to throw herself into his arms. "I need you to trust me, Boss. I know that I´m not cleared for duty yet. And I´m taking the restrictions seriously. Just... stop bothering me with it, okay?" she said and tugged her legs under.

"Kono, you being shot... " Steve´s voice trailed off and she braced herself. That´s why she never wanted to talk to him. Because she knew. She knew how much it effected Danny and Chin and Steve. She stood up and glared down at Steve, willing him to stop talking about it. She didn´t want to hear it. And she didn´t want to think about it anymore. She just wanted to go back to.. her life.

"It´s not gonna stop or go away, just because you want it to." Steve´s low voice startled her. She looked at him even though she´d rather hide in her bed, under her blanket until her team mates were back to normal. But something in his eyes stopped her.

"What?" she laughed nervously.

"The imagines, the memory. It´s not going to go back to normal just because you want it to."

"I have no idea..."

"Kono, no need to play a game now. It´s me you´re talking to."

"Boss, I´m fine. I am just tired now." 'Go, leave me alone!'

"It will get worse." 'Shut the fuck up!'

"Every time you go to sleep, you´ll be there again, see and feel exactly what was happening. You´ll feel helpless because you know it´s just a dream. But you can´t escape. You can´t run and you can´t hide."

"Steve..." she didn´t realize that she used his name, but her weak, pleading voice cut him to the bone. He knew that he couldn´t let go now. He knew that he had to force her to face it.

"You didn´t die, Kono, but every nightmare will bring you closer to wishing you did. It´s gonna drain you, suck the life out of you until it´s consuming your thoughts every second."

"Stop!" she whispered, her arms wrapped around herself as if she could brace herself against his words. She knew he was right. Hell, she had been living this nightmare for 4 weeks now!

"Talk to me, kiddo." he whispered and she looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Let me help you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to everyone who read and reviews, alerted or messaged me. You totally made my day. I hope you enjoy this next episode, let me know what you think.**

**Thank you as well to my dear friend Shakespeare´s Lemonade! **

**Disclaimer: They are not mine, I just borrowed them.**

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><p>„Hey Kono, you okay? You look terrible." Danny´s voice greeted her and she grimaced at him.<p>

"Danny, that is so not what a woman wants to hear." She teased and forced a smile onto her lips, hoping that he would drop the topic.

"What can I say? I ´m worried." Danny got serious and when Kono saw him approach her, she winked and strode to her office, closing the door behind her. She couldn´t deal with it now.

Danny and Chin exchanged a worried glance but Chin knew better than to go after her. He decided to give her some time and then try to talk to her again. Knowing his cousin he felt that right now there was no sense in talking to her.

"You not wanna check on her?" Danny asked and Chin shook his head.

"I´m gonna give her some time to recollect and try again later." He said to the blond detective and went back to the smart table to process the evidence they were looking at.

2 hours later Kono was sitting at her desk, staring at the wall. And she hadn´t moved at all. She seemed lost in her thoughts and Danny was nearly going crazy. He hadn´t seen her like this since Steve was arrested and she was charged and her badge was taken. He had no idea what was going on but he needed to find out. Getting up he left his office to go and talk to the rookie, when Steve approached him as well.

"Hey Danny." A smirk tugged at his lips.

"Hey. Give me a minute?" he didn´t wait for Steve´s reply but went over to Kono´s office. She looked up startled when Danny entered her office and the look of panic in her eyes was quickly hid.

"Danny, you need anything?" she asked, trying to sound calm and relaxed.

"Yeah. I need answers. And I´m not gonna leave this office before you tell me what is going on. You´re shaking, you stared into nothingness for the past hours and you look like crap. So yeah, go ahead, I´m listening."

Kono felt herself slump back into her chair and when she looked up, she saw Steve standing leaned against the smart table, looking at her, his arms crossed in front of his chest. His face didn´t give away what he thought and Kono quickly turned her attention to Danny again.

"I just didn´t sleep well, Danny. I´m fine." She said. And it wasn´t even a lie. But it wasn´t the whole truth either.

"Okay… why?" Danny insisted and Kono sighed.

"Can we please not talk about it?" she asked and Danny opened his mouth to protest. "Please, Danny." She said and something in her tone made Danny shut his mouth again. He looked at her intently and decided that he would drop the topic. For now.

Leaning closer, he brushed his hand over her cheek and smiled a little.

"I´m here if you wanna talk, Babe." He said and when she nodded, he turned around and left her office.

Leaving Kono´s office Danny walked over to Steve. He couldn´t shake the worry but he knew that he had to give her space.

"Is she okay?" Steve asked, nodding at Kono´s office.

"I don´t know, she wouldn´t tell me. Just said she didn´t sleep well." He said and forced himself to not turn around and look at her as well.

Danny thought he saw something like worry in Steve´s eyes, but it was gone before he could make up his mind.

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><p>Steve found himself looking over to Kono´s office again and he groaned frustrated. This was not going to work! The rookie had a hard time dealing with the aftermath of being shot and Steve knew all too well what she was going through. He had thought that talking to her and even forcing her to face the truth would help her. But it didn´t.<p>

He had teared his own wounds open to help her and to make her understand. He had opened up to her and he even told her about his own demons. About the first time he was shot and left to die. About his fear of dying. The desperate attempt to breath. About his regret of not being able to do all the things he wanted to do still.

But... it didn´t help her. And it didn´t help him. Things were getting worse. For her and for him. And he had no idea, how he should fix it. He wanted to help and to comfort her. Maybe that would make the pain inside of him stop. Stop the memories.

The moment Steve entered her apartment he knew that this evening wasn´t one filled with laughter and banter and just fun. He instantly felt the tension, the unspoken words and the unwilling memories filling the atmosphere and his stomach clenched. Still he never even considered leaving.

Going through this with her was what he considered his job, his duty... and it was something he wanted to do. He wanted to be there for her, to help her, because he knew how she felt. Inwardly he chuckled about himself as he already knew that each and every member of his team was able, capable and willing to have this conversation with her. Yet it was him, who had knocked at her door.

Pushing the words aside his mind focussed on the feeling, the emotion that he had shared with Kono when he had forced her to face the fact that she was shot. He remembered her tears. Her voice that sounded hoarse with tears, weaker than he ever thought he´d hear. Her trembling fingers that dug into his shirt when he had pulled her into his arms. Her slender form pressed against him, for strength, for comfort and for forgetting. Her eyes, pleading with him to make the memories stop.

Steve groaned, leaned back and closed his eyes. He remembered the moment she had lifted her head, looking at him with tears in her eyes, her lips trembling, swollen from biting them to suppress her cries. He remembered the urge to lean down and to help her forget. Just that one moment made him forget everything he had clung to so desperately. Their distance. Their job. Their roles.

Only a nano second before their lips met he had stopped, groaning and burying his face in her hair while he felt her face pressed against his neck. Her soft breath tickling his skin and it was almost too much for him to take.

But he forced himself to take a deep breath... and to put his guard back into place. For her.

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><p>"You wanted to talk to me?" Kono asked after entering his office. She smiled at him and Steve was thankful that the haunted look had left her eyes.<p>

"Yes, take a seat." he offered and Kono slumped down, looking at him expectantly. Steve smirked at her.

"How are you, Kono?" he asked and he saw Kono nearly snort. Surprise was written all over her face and his smile grew.

"What?"

"I asked how you are doing."

"I wasn´t sure I understood you correctly. You really asked me to come to your office and sit down only to ask me how I´m doing?"

"You do realize that answering that simple question would be less painful, don´t you?" Steve smirked and leaned back in his chair, stretching out his long legs. Kono knew him better than to assume he was completely relaxed, even if his presence oozed composure. There was a certain tension in his shoulders and the way his fingers twitched.

Kono sighed and forced herself to look at him and not avoid his eyes. She wouldn´t back down. There was no need.

"I´m doing fine. I´ll have an appointment tomorrow to check if I can return to full duty. So yeah, I´m fine." she answered and waited for a reaction.

Steve took his time, watching her. His face didn´t give away his thoughts and Kono didn´t know that he was actually worried. He knew how desperately she wanted to be back, to do her job, to go after the back guys again. Being forced to do desk work for the past 2 weeks has been hard for her and Steve was able to see that her patience was wearing thin. She got frustrated and he totally understand her hating the feeling of being forced to stay put.

"Good. Let me know what the doctor says." he finally said. Kono wished he would smile at her, do something to make it easier for her. But his face lacked any emotion and there was not even the slightest hint of a smile gracing his lips. Kono began to feel like she had done something wrong, but quickly pushed that feeling aside.

"That´s all?" she asked, standing up.

"Yeah, that´s all."

Kono sighed inaudibly and left his office, wondering what had just happened.

* * *

><p>A content, satisfied groan escaped Steve when he leaned back and took a sip of his cool beer.<p>

"Careful, McGarrett, one might think you are actually relaxing." Danny chuckled. Steve turned his head and looked at his partner, flashing him a cocky grin before taking another sip.

"I am relaxed."

"I´m sorry, I was just surprised that you can sit down to relax. I would have thought that jumping off a building or blowing it up was your way to relax." Another chuckle.

"In general people relax without talking." Steve leaned his head back and closed his eyes, but the smile stayed on his lips.

"You´d miss me if I wasn´t here." Danny stated and sounded awfully sure.

"Yeah, right... no ranting, no tie, no one to bother me with this nonsense... you are right, I´d totally miss you." Steve chuckled and Danny opened his mouth to disagree. Only to join Steve´s deep, booming laughter that filled the night.

Danny would never tell his partner but he was glad to hear him laugh, without it being forced, without any hidden thoughts. He seemed to be relaxed and Danny knew that this was still a rare moment. It´s been 3 months now since Steve faced the charges of killing the former Governor Jameson, after spending a week in prison and escaping, clearing his name and 3 months after Kono was stripped her badge.

Those past events had cut deeply into their ohana. They were all left bruised and battered and there were days, when they still felt the impact those moments had. Danny remembered the day Steve found out that Kono decided to work undercover. It had been hard for her, doing this without her team backing her up. But Steve took it even harder. He was furious and Danny thought, he might kill Fryer with his bare hands.

That was until Kono had pulled him out of the interrogation room and closed the door behind them. Danny had no idea what she told him, there was no sound from the other side of the door. And when they returned a few minutes later, Steve was calm but his face was a perfect vision of what Danny loved to refer to as Aneurysm face. Kono looked pretty satisfied with herself though.

Danny chuckled to himself remembering that he was impressed because whatever the rookie did, Steve accepted her decision. He had never seen his partner being shut down so effectively in such a short time. And he never found out what Kono had told Steve... but he still tried. Maybe he could use this knowledge himself.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you for every single review or message or alert! I don´t have the time right now to reply to every single one but I don´t want you to think that I don´t appreciate them!**

**Here is another chapter, hope you enjoy!**

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><p>Groaning Steve turned around, flinching when his muscles protested with pain and soreness. He tried to force himself back to sleep, but he knew it was too late. As soon as his foggy mind realized the pain in his body, he couldn´t go back to sleep.<p>

His chest felt tight, each breath was forced and he didn´t dare to breath too deep. The muscles in his legs burned and he knew that it would take a few days to get back to normal. He was used to running, chasing suspects and being physically active, but it´s been a tough week and he felt like he finally had reached his boundaries.

He didn´t dare to think about anything but emptied his head and focussed on breathing. In and out. Slowly. Steady. His mind and the years of training took over and he felt calmness. He breathed through the pain, forcing it´s stinging into the back of his mind. Slowly he gained control over his body again.

Another 20 minutes later he felt good enough to move again. He didn´t realize his fists were clenched into the white cotton sheets, nearly ripping them. The muscles in his arms twitched with the unfamiliar afford to move but Steve ignored it. He shifted slightly into a more comfortable position and hissed, when his chest protested. He knew that he had a few bruises where the bullets had hit his kevlar and maybe even a few cracked rips... no, not cracked, probably broken. Nothing that he wasn´t used to.

"What do you think you are doing, sleeping beauty?" Danny´s voice startled him and with a painful grunt Steve fell back into the pillow.

"Shit!" he hissed and felt Danny´s hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

"See, that is the reason why the doctor´s order said to stay in bed and rest until you are doing better. You have a few broken rips and some nasty bruises. It´s not pretty, partner, trust me. Nothing that would pull a woman into your bed." Danny teased but Steve heard the worry around the edges. He smiled at Danny assuringly.

"No need to worry, Danny." he smirked cockily.

"Oh, I´m not worried. I just know already that you won´t take orders, that you´ll get up as soon as you can, throwing in some painkillers and then you´re back out there chasing the bad guys." Danny said casually.

"Nope, not this time. I´m gonna stick to doctor´s order and I might even take a vacation." Steve said, his face stoic, bare any emotion and his voice serious.

He had to fight hard, really hard, to keep from laughing when Danny began to stutter and look at him like a little green alien was sitting on his shoulder.

Danny ran his hand through his hair, unsure if he could believe Steve. But then he decided that believing his partner would for once listen to a doctor´s order and really take his time to rest was not gonna happen.

"Yeah... right..." he muttered. Steve chuckled and ended his near laugh with a painful hiss.

"Come on, Danny. I´m fine."

"Want me to call Catherine so she can come over and play nurse?" Danny teased. As soon as he saw the shadow in his eyes and the way his lips pressed together, he wished he never had said a word though. Apparently there still were things, his partner and friend didn´t want to share with him.

"No." Steve finally said after an awkward silence.

Danny knew better than to ask. It was one thing to push Steve´s boundaries when it came to his SEAL training, his duty as the head of 5-0 or the general craziness. But he´d never push Steve to tell anything that was clearly... intimate. Painful. Personal.

* * *

><p>"Is he okay, Danny?" Kono asked and that was the moment Danny knew.<p>

He didn´t need to see it with his own eyes and he didn´t need them to say it. He just knew. It was the look in her eyes. The way she was eagerly awaiting his reply. The way she had come to his office this morning, way too casual, like she´d try to just say hi when the real reason she was there was something completely different.

He knew.

And his heart was dropping.

"He´s fine." he just said and he instantly knew it was the right answer when he saw her nod. She was too willing to go with his answer. Her eyes told a different story though. He knew she was worried, much more than she usually would be.

"That´s good." she said.

"Yeah, you know our SuperSEAL. He´d never admit if he was in pain. So yeah... he´s fine." Danny said, watching her intently.

"Come on, Danny, that´s how he is." Kono smiled and Danny felt a strange rush of relief. Her smile was genuine. He had been afraid that his discovery, the knowledge of the fact that there were things going on between Steve and Kono, would change the dynamics of the team. But to be honest, Danny had no idea what he was afraid of. Despite his love for words and his overly extend usage of them, he didn´t seem to be capable of finding the right words to put his concern into words.

"You´re not gonna hear anything different from me." Danny said and lifted his hands in mock surrender. He had spend the past two days convincing Steve to take his time to heal and at least stay home for 3 days before coming back to work.

"What did the doc say?" she asked.

"She said he should take it slow, no chasing the bad guys for a week and to rest and take his time to heal... yeah, not gonna happen! Seriously, it´s been the toughest thing I ever had to do to keep him from coming to work today. Not sure I´m gonna be successful tomorrow." Danny laughed.

"There is no way anyone but you can keep him from doing that, Danny. If you can´t do it..." she laughed at him and Danny detected a slight hint of nervousness in her laughter.

"You´re worried about him, Kono?" he asked, tilting his head.

"Well sure." she tried to sound lightly, shrugging her shoulders and plastering a smile onto her face that never reached her eyes.

"Right..." he mused. Kono turned to leave his office, but she didn´t turn around fast enough for Danny to see the slight blush of her cheeks.

* * *

><p>Kono debated for over an hour with herself if she should really do this. There was no use in trying to mask it as visiting a sick friend just to check he´s doing okay. She knew better and it wouldn´t change anything. She wanted to see him and she wanted to see herself that he was doing okay. Danny had tried to convince her that Steve just needed rest, but that didn´t stop the worry inside her to chew on her.<p>

Leaving Danny´s office had been the only thing she could have done. Because the way he looked at her made her realize that Danny saw more than he let on. Kono had no idea how to voice her own feelings and she didn´t even try, avoiding anything that would make them more real. But Danny had sensed that there was a certain tension, something that was just not quiet right. He was a damn good detective but for once Kono cursed that fact.

It would have been easier if he had made some kind of joke about that, if he had given her something to hang onto and to play with. But he hadn´t. Instead his eyes had told her that he was aware of the slight shift in their relationship.

Sighing frustrated she sank back into the seat of her car and her knuckles holding the wheel turned white. She hated this situation. She hated feeling this insecure. But most of all she hated the fact that she had seemingly lost control over her life and her feelings.

So maybe driving to Steve´s place to check if he was really okay wasn´t a good idea. No matter how badly she wanted to do that, it wouldn´t do her any good.

Doing good was something that seemed harder than ever to achieve lately. Her thoughts went back to the day Steve found out that she was going undercover for IA. Damn, he had been furious, he was ready to call the Governor. He had yelled at her, called her reckless, thoughtless. His explosion took her by surprise, she never had seen him this mad. Or this torn. Because a part of her knew that it was worry and fear for her well-being that made him act like a complete jerk.

When she had pulled him out of the interrogation room to talk to him one on one, she didn´t know if he would even listen to her. The look on his face told her that this wouldn´t be easy. But Kono wasn´t one to back down from a challenge and Steve had to accept her decision. If he liked it or not.

"_What the hell do you think you´re doing here, Kono? Playing a dirty ex-cop for IA? They stripped your badge!" he hissed with so much anger in his voice that Kono braced herself to not step back._

"_Steve," that was the first time in ages she used his name and it got his attention. He saw how determent she was and that nothing he´d say or do what make her change her mind. "my badge wasn´t taken from me. Officially yes, I´m an ex-cop and I´m dirty, but this is my cover. The best way to get to Delano. I wasn´t forced to do this, I decided to do it." Her voice was firm, strong and it didn´t hold the slightest doubt._

"_You have no idea what you get yourself into..." Steve started, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her closer._

"_You´re underestimating me here, Boss." There was that word again. "It´s not the first time I go undercover. And I´m not alone in this. IA has my back."_

"_WE should have your back, Kono! We are your team, your family!"_

"_I know. And you are. But this is something I have to do myself. Without you."_

_Steve sighed frustrated and Kono felt his fingers gripping her shoulders harder._

"_I don´t like it."_

"_Trust me." she said, meeting his eyes and allowing him to see something inside them, she´d usually hide._

_Steve nearly drowned in her eyes. _

"_You´re sure?"_

"_I am. I need you to trust me with this and I need you to believe in me. I need to do this... I need to be a good cop. I need to prove it, Steve." she said in a soft voice, her hands flat on his chest. She felt his strong heartbeat under her fingers and his heated gaze on her._

"_I trust you, but I hate to not be able to..."_

"_To protect me?"_

"_Yeah..."_

"_If you can´t trust me 100%, Steve, there is no place for me in 5-0 after this." She saw his eyes narrow, his lips pressed into a thin line. She prepared herself for another explosion but it never came. The look in his eyes told her that he knew. That he understood. This wasn´t a threat, this was way more essential. She might have been a rookie, but that time was long gone. She needed to be a full member of the team and she needed them to trust her. Completely. _

_The thought of her not coming back, of not having her around, hurt him. And he knew that she wouldn´t come back if she doubted his trust. If he wasn´t willing and ready to give her that and to believe in her, she wouldn´t come back. And Steve knew that he would never allow that._

"_I trust you, Kono." he finally whispered and his body was still tensed. She knew that it had cost him a lot to admit that and to give her what she demanded from him._

"_Thank you, Steve." she leaned in and pressed her lips to his cheek, feeling the stubbles under her lips and the soft skin underneath. Steve pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly against his broad chest and for a moment she thought she had heard him moan her name._

* * *

><p>"Good job, Cuz." Chin smiled at her, high fiving her. Before any of them made their way into the small liquor store Kono had the guy handcuffed on the floor. Her smile was bright and her chest was heaving. She loved the adrenalin rushing through her veins and the feeling of being able to get the bad guy. It wasn´t a case, just a coincidence when she had walked in on the scene. A young guy had a gun pointed at the cashier, trying to rob him.<p>

His hand had been shaking and his voice hitched with nervousness and Kono knew that she better acted fast before he shot the cashier. A nervous finger on the trigger might make him do something stupid and she wasn´t going to wait to find out.

"HPD is on it´s way." Danny told her, helping the suspect to his feet and guiding him outside.

"You´re okay?" Chin asked when they were alone and Kono nodded.

"I´m good." she smiled.

"A bit reckless lately?" his calm, dark eyes were searching her face and she shrugged her shoulders.

"Nah, just doing my job."

"You´re not on duty."

"Should I have waited until he shot the cashier just because it´s my day off?"

"You could have waited for us."

"Chin, I´m a cop, remember? I´m capable of handling that myself, Cuz. But it´s cute your worried." she kissed his cheek and walked past him out of the store into the bright sunshine. She felt the adrenalin wearing off, but the good feeling remained. She knew that her cousin was worried but she had been in control of the situation. She wouldn´t throw herself into the line of fire or anything, that was McGarrett´s job.

Said man turned around to her and flashed her one of his cocky smiles, standing outside with Danny who just handed over the suspect to HPD. He walked over slowly and his smile turned into one that was nearly gentle.

"Hey, I thought you just wanted to buy some beer." he teased when he reached her. Kono chuckled.

"Couldn´t resist, Boss." she laughed at him and his smile grew.

"Good job, Kono."

"Thanks... Damn, I forgot the beer though."

Steve´s laughter was deep and she saw the fine lines around his eyes that hadn´t been there when she had first met him 2 years ago. Ever since then he was laughing more and Kono was glad that she was part of this ohana.

"Don´t worry, we´ll get some on the way over to my place." he said and turned around, walking over to his truck. When he realized that she wasn´t following him, he turned around again.

No way to hide it or disguise it, Kono had been checking him out. When he turned around her gaze dropped from the rippling muscles of his back to his firm ass that for once were clad in jeans. She realized her mistake when he suddenly turned to her again and she felt her face grow warm.

"You coming?" he asked and his grin was cocky, because he knew.

"Sure." she said and smiled at him when she walked past him as if nothing had happened. Half way to his place her face felt nearly normal again.


	8. Chapter 8

**I´m sorry for not replying to every review or message, but life is just crazy right now. Here is another chapter, some more background and dealing with emotions. I´d love to know what you think!**

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><p>Steve sighed, feeling the hot water wash away the dirt and the tension in his muscles. He was standing under the shower for the past 30 minutes and still he hadn´t been able to clear his head. There were thousand thoughts running around, messing with him and leaving him feeling uneasy. He tried to grasp them but it seemed as if the warm water was making it even harder.<p>

Today has been a good day, they had been able to track down a suspect they were searching for the past 3 weeks and they were able to convict him, finding the evidence to link him with a first degree murder. They had been out for a few beers after work and he felt good when he left his team in the bar. He remembered Danny´s teasing question if he needed to head home as someone was waiting for him. He had only smirked as a reply not wanting to tell them that there was no one waiting for him.

There was no one waiting for him. Catherine and he had broken off a while ago. They had both decided that they couldn´t put more energy into whatever they had to make it real. She had her career and Steve wasn´t able to offer any more time. They had feelings for each other and it had hurt like hell, for both of them. But he had to accept that things were not going to work out no matter how much he wanted them to.

His thoughts drifted back to that night…

_After finally making it to dinner this time they sat on the lanai. It´s been a relaxed atmosphere and he had enjoyed the laughter and the flirting and just having her around. Still he couldn´t shake the odd feeling inside his stomach that tonight wouldn´t end the way he assumed. There was something lingering in the background of each laugh, each kiss and each touch that showed him, she was feeling the same way. Maybe that was why they made it to dinner this time._

"_Are you okay?" Catherine whispered and Steve turned to look at her. He saw her face and she was beautiful. Her dark eyes looked at him and he reached out and gently put a strand of her long hair behind her ear, letting his fingertips caress her cheek for a moment, enjoying the warm softness._

_And in that moment they knew. It was like they both realized that very moment that things were going to end. Not because they were not good or strong enough, but because they weren´t meant to be. They had shared incredible years and they were close, but he knew that fate had other plans. They were at a crossroads and he knew they had the chance to walk the way together, as a couple. They could decide to forget about duty, responsibility and about all the things that made their lives worth living. _

_His heart told him though that they had missed their chance long ago. That if they chose to do it now, it would feel like a desperate attempt to trick fate. That they were both too much involved with their lives, their careers to make a future together work. Neither of them was willing to give up what they had and Steve felt his stomach turn into a tight knot when he saw a tear slide down her cheek._

"_It´s not fair." She whispered and Steve shook his head. _

"_No, it´s not." His voice was hoarse, thick with emotions that this woman had made him feel._

"_I feel so guilty. Because it´s a conscious decision that I make. Choosing my career over you. But I feel like I can´t make any other decision. No matter how much this hurts…. " Steve pulled her over and she sat down on his lap, feeling her melt against him. His arms felt her familiar form against him and for a moment he thought about telling her to screw it and forget about everything. That he didn´t want to let her go and that they would make it work. His heart ached when he felt her hot tears against his neck and he tightened his embrace around her._

"_Don´t…." he whispered into her hair._

"_I don´t want to let go."_

"_Cath, … I don´t want you to go either. But we don´t always get what we want." Steve swallowed hard._

_He felt her sigh and then he felt her lips against his neck one last time, before she lifted her head, framed his face with her hands and sealed his lips with a bitter sweet kiss._

"_I´m gonna miss you, Commander." Steve rested his forehead against hers, their breaths mingled and he knew that he was gonna miss her. "You´ll always have a place in my heart." She smiled at him._

"_You are amazing, Cath. I´m glad that I got to know you." This time he kissed her and he wasn´t surprised to taste her tears on his lips._

Coming back to reality Steve realized that the water began to turn cold. So he turned it off and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel and dried himself off quickly. He felt a little sting inside thinking back but he knew it was the right thing to do. It was never easy to end something that has been such a dear part of his life for so long. They had shared great memories, sad and dangerous moments. She had been a part of him. He wanted her to be happy.

Dressing in a pair of sweat pants he made his way down to the kitchen, grabbed a beer and sat down on the lanai. The soft rolling of the waves calmed him down and the familiar smell of the ocean and something that was so distinctly Hawaii made him close his eyes and relax.

His thoughts drifted back to that one night when Kono had been here. When they went swimming at 1am. They had been frolicking in the water like teenagers and he remembered how much at ease he had felt. Being with her made things easier for him. It made him aware of his need for human closeness. Of his need for female company.

But he knew how easy it would be to ignore the thin line he came dangerously close to crossing. The line that separated him and her. Him being the boss, the head of 5-0, the mentor and her being the rookie, the dependent. It wouldn´t do them any good and it wouldn´t do the team any good. He wasn´t sure he would want the change, yet he couldn´t help but think about her. Being the boss forced him to keep a certain distance, it made his job easier. Getting involved with someone who was working for and with him would only add complications that he wasn´t willing to take.

It was useless to really think about that though. Kono never said or reacted like she knew or even replied to those feelings. Feelings he couldn´t even name. And maybe it was just his head playing games with him. Making him see things that weren´t really there. Her smile being a tad brighter whenever he greeted her in the morning. The way she melted against him when they had danced. The way a small frown appeared on her face when he had let his team think he´d hook up with Catherine. The way she needed him to make sense of the whole mess their ohana had been after the recent events. The way she had his back.

Steve sighed frustrated, rubbing his hand over his face. Apparently Danny was rubbing off on him. He couldn´t stop thinking about things he´d normally consider not even worth thinking about. There was nothing he´d get accomplished tonight. Or at any other moment. Opening this Pandora´s box would do more harm then help. It probably was better for all of them if he didn´t act on whatever he thought was between them.

* * *

><p>It was dark when she woke up, feeling her heart racing, her body covered in a fine layer of sweat. She remembered her dream vividly and she sank back against her pillows with a deep moan. Having a nightmare was bad, it wakes you up and leaves you shaken, consumed by fear and helplessness, afraid to close your eyes again. Kono knew nightmares. They had been part of her youth, especially after the accident that ended her professional surfing career.<p>

And this dream wasn´t any different. She felt shaken, trembling, afraid to close her eyes. But for totally different reasons. This time there were no monsters. No fears of the future. No threats that she could only feel but not see. This time it was a dark haired man with expressive eyes and a handsome face. With a dark, rich voice that send shivers down her spine. With strong hands that break a men´s neck but still hold a child gently. With a will so strong he would even try to challenge his fate for something he believed in.

She pushed the cover down and enjoyed the feeling of a soft night breeze cooling her skin. She was embarrassed. She was a grown up woman, he should never have had such an impact. It was hard work but she managed to avoid thinking of him when she was awake. It was like she had been able to work out the perfect way to avoid any personal thoughts about him, to block him out until she got home. The moment the door clicked close behind her, the thoughts were there and she wasn´t sure how to deal with it.

Maybe, if a friend of hers would have told her something like this, she would laugh and give her a good advice about testing the waters and seeing if the other one replied to her feelings. But this wasn´t about a friend and this wasn´t about testing waters. This was about Steve. Her boss.

For a split second Kono asked herself how much longer she would be able to fight it. To fight him. To fight her feelings.

Maybe the fact that he had nearly kissed her was what has triggered her nightmare. Or maybe it was the fact that she wanted him to kiss her. She was torn and she felt guilty. Torn, because she felt the selfish need to cry out that she had a right to want him. That it was mutual. That it would be what both of them needed.

And guilty because she knew that she´d never allow herself to react to it because of the team. She wouldn´t risk it. She wouldn´t willingly accept the chance that her actions would have a negative effect on the team. Guilty, because she knew, that she would always choose ohana. No matter how much her heart would complain and bitch, she´d never risk loosing this family, this team, this bond, for a moment of passion. For something personal and intimate.


	9. Chapter 9

**THANK YOU to everyone who had reviewed, alerted or commented on this story! I appreciate your feedback immensely and I love to know that people like this! So keep it coming!**

**On with the next episode. I felt like it was time for some Steve comforting Kono. **

**Warning: None... so far.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, but I´m glad I got to borrow them for pleasuring you.**

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><p>Looking at Chin she tried to grasp his words. The look of her face was one of shock and hurt and she felt the sudden urge to slap him.<p>

"Kono..." he began, trying to grab her but she stepped back, shaking her head as if her ignoring it would make it less real.

"That´s not true!" she said, repeating those words over and over again. She made another step back until the back of her legs touched the smart table. Glad for some kind of leverage, she leaned against it heavily, her eyes locked with Chin´s. She didn´t see Steve and Danny enter HQ, her mind was focussed on what Chin had just told her.

"I´m sorry, Kono." he whispered, his eyes pleading with her. He felt her pain, knew how her heart was broken.

Steve looked at the scene in front of him and he saw that whatever Chin had told her had upset Kono immensely. Her slender form was shaking, her eyes filled with tears and her face was one of total denial. His eyes met Danny´s who shook his head.

"How can you be sure that it is her?" she whispered and Chin stepped closer again, reaching out for her.

"Kono..."

"No! Tell me how you know it´s her? If the body was burned that badly, it could be someone else!" she argued and Steve felt his stomach turn into a tight knot.

"They identified her with the help of dental data, Kono. There is no doubt, that it was Neela."

A sob escaped her and Steve felt his teeth clench. He wanted to comfort her, just walk over and pull her close but he knew that this was Chin´s job. He felt Danny´s hand on his shoulder, gesturing him to leave those two alone. And he didn´t want to, but he also knew that he couldn´t stand there like a voyeur.

Suddenly Kono´s eyes lifted and she saw him. Their eyes locked and he had to brace himself because of the pain in her eyes, the tears, the hurt and the slow acceptance that whoever Neela was, the deadly burned body they had found was her.

He felt Chin´s eyes on him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw him taking a step back and if it wasn´t for the situation, he would have laughed about it. He didn´t care thinking about what this gesture meant. If Chin accepted that Kono might not want his comfort, but seek Steve´s? If he knew that Kono would never allow his hug, not because she didn´t need it but because she wouldn´t allow herself to break down in front of them?

Steve saw the moment she shut them out, the second unfolding right there in front of his eyes. She shook her head while still looking at him and then she stormed out of HQ, the glass doors shutting close with a loud thud. He drew in a deep breath, fighting the urge to run after her. He knew that she needed some time and the sad look in Chin´s eyes told him that he understood as well.

"Who is Neela?" Danny´s voice startled them.

Chin sighed and rubbed his hand over his face in a tired gesture.

"Neela was Kono´s best friend. They grew up together and they were inseparable. For years. Until Neela moved to LA and married. They stayed in touch over the years and 2 weeks ago Neela came back, standing in front of Kono´s door one night. Apparently her husband thought that he needed to educate her by demonstrating his physical advantage. He bet her to the hospital so she packed her stuff and came back. And now she´s dead."

"Danny, call HPD and tell them we´ll take the case. Chin, find out whatever there is to find out about her husband. I have a bad feeling about this, it´s no coincidence." Chin nodded and went straight to work.

"Why are you doing this?" Danny asked and Steve turned around to look at him. Steve opened his mouth to tell him to get the job done, but then he closed his mouth again, only looking at Danny.

"Because Kono needs to know." he simply said and Danny nodded, understanding that Steve wanted to comfort and help her. And if solving this case was the only thing he could do, Steve would do it.

Without another word Danny turned around, heading to his office to make the call to HPD.

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><p>Instinctively Steve tensed when he heard the soft knock at his door. It´s been a long day and he just got home a few minutes ago, showered and was about to open a beer to relax. The sun had been down for a few hours already and he hadn´t bothered switching on a light inside his house so he moved through the darkness closer to the door.<p>

He saw the slender figure and knew who it was. Opening the door their eyes met and without another word, Steve pulled Kono into his arms, holding her close while she was shaking against him. There were no sobs, only silent tears that burned his skin through his shirt. This silent pain was more than he could take and he murmured soft words of comfort into her hair while his hands stroked up and down her back.

Her face was buried into the soft fabric of his shirt, inhaling his scent that calmed her down. His arms around her were strong, steady and she felt like for a moment she could allow herself to just sink into this feeling. She desperately needed his comfort, needed him to protect her and to keep her save from harm. She heard him murmur soft words but she didn´t understand any of them. And it didn´t matter, she only needed to be held. And he was the one she chose to turn to. He understood. He knew.

Steve didn´t know how long they stood in the dark, it was an eternity, yet it wasn´t enough. When she finally pulled away and brushed the tears off her face, he felt empty. Smiling down and her, he gently tugged a strand of her hair behind her ears.

"Come on." he said and Kono followed him to his kitchen where she watched him getting a bottle of fine Scottish single malt whiskey. She grabbed two glasses and followed him to his lanai where she sank down on one of the chairs.

Handing her a glass of the amber liquid their eyes met again. Kono was thankful that he didn´t ask her why she was there. That she didn´t have to explain that he was the only person she wanted to be close to right now. Chin understood and he had known Neela as well, still she couldn´t turn to him for comfort.

Silently toasting each other, Kono downed the drink in one big gulp and held the glass out for him to refill. Without a word he did so and watched her lean back in the chair, watching the stars above. Silence fell upon them but Steve knew that she´d start talking when she was ready. So he settled down himself, watching the stars with the waves like soft music in the background.

Finally Kono began to talk and Steve didn´t interrupt her for a second. He didn´t look at her, instinctively feeling her need to just get the words out without him seeing her fight her tears again. He didn´t have to see her face to know that tears were streaming down her face. He heard them in her voice and without thinking he reached out and grabbed her hand, entwining their fingers. A gentle squeeze to encourage her and to let her know that he was there.

Kono told him about Neela, their friendship. How they grew up together, two girls so different from each other. Kono was always the one ready for a challenge, whereas Neela was calmer, more rational. But it seemed as if that was what made them such close friends, because they completed each other. She told him about the day they said goodbye and about the many phone calls that had followed in the years after that day. How she had flown to LA to be Neela´s bridesmaid.

Kono´s voice broke when she told him about the day Neela came back to Oahu. About the bruises on her face. About the fear that Neela never hid well, not with Kono.

And Steve still held her hand, brushing his thumb over the rapidly beating pulse under the delicate skin of her wrist.

When she finally stopped talking, Steve turned his head and looked at her. She had rested her head back against the chair, her eyes closed, her cheeks wet from tears.

"We´re gonna get whoever did that to her." he promised and Kono opened her eyes, looking at him. She hadn´t known that 5-0 had taken over this case, but she saw in his face that he was determent to get Neela´s murder and that he intented to keep the promise he just made to her. Warmth spread through her when she realized that he was doing this for her.

"Thank you." she whispered and squeezed his hand.

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><p>Sunlight was waking him up and he opened his eyes, being awake in a second. Usually he got up before sunrise and it took him a second to figure out what was different today. The moment he felt the warm body in his arms, pressed against his side, he knew.<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

**Wow, thank you for the reviews, pm´s and alerts! I hope I don´t disappoint anyone who expected a certain something after the ending of last chapter. Don´t jump on conclusions :-)**

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><p>"You can´t do that, Boss!" Kono yelled.<p>

"See, that is where you are wrong, Kono. I´m the boss and I CAN and WILL do it." Steve answered, his voice calm and when Kono saw the small smile tug at his lips, she exploded.

"I am sure, Governor Denning didn´t mean that you being head of 5-0 allows you to misuse your position!"

Steve froze, his eyes now mere slits that seemed to bore through her. And all Kono could do was not to flinch and not to dug behind her desk for cover.

"Misuse my position? Careful Kono, do not overstep that line!" he warned her and his voice was low, deep and hard.

"I know you are the boss, trust me, you never let me forget that. But you can´t just close me out on this investigation!" she argued, her anger overriding her patience.

"I just did." he said and for a second Kono was reminded of the day he had suspended her.

"Why? Because I´m not experienced enough?" she yelled. Steve was in her private space with two long strides, his eyes glaring at her and anger emanating from him like waves of heat. Kono swallowed, not because of his anger, but because he was close to her. Closer than he had been in the past 2 weeks since the morning she woke up in his arms. In his bed.

Things had been awkward when she woke up, for a second she thought that they had finally stepped over the line. But then she saw his calming smile and she knew that everything was okay. Still it was awkward to wake up in your boss´ arms and Kono hurried out of bed, getting dressed and before Steve had time to offer breakfast, she left, telling him that she … had to be somewhere.

Kono knew she was fleeing the scene, but Steve agreed with her. If she hadn´t left they might have really stepped over that line.

"I´m closing you out this time, Kono, because you are not focussed. You are emotionally involved in this, ready to convict Neela´s husband without any evidence only because you want him to be the murderer. I don´t like that guy one bit, but I´m not gonna fake evidence or rely only on my gut." he growled and moved even closer until Kono had to back off. "You just proved yourself being a rookie still." he said and this time couldn´t help but flinch.

His words hurt, stung like hell. Because he was right.

"I know he killed her." she said, not willing to back down.

"I know, but we need to prove that. We´d never succeed and put him in jail without any evidence." his voice softened but he didn´t back off. Staying in her personal space he could smell the sun on her skin and the scent of her shampoo. Her lips were slightly opened, her eyes huge. Feeling a sudden rush of arousal inside, didn´t surprise him at all. He slowly got used to that feeling whenever he was close to her. But he wouldn´t allow this feeling to cloud his decisions.

"I don´t want to be closed out on this, Boss. I need to... I need to help putting him behind bars." she said, all anger left her and she was short of begging him.

"I know you do, Kono. But I can´t allow you to put anyone in danger just because you not focussed."

Their eyes locked and he saw her taking a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm down her inner demons. He knew she was shaken and she desperately needed to find the murderer of her friend. He wished he could comfort her, but for now all he could do was take her off the investigation. She didn´t like it but he didn´t expect her to like his decision. He did it for her though. He knew she´d never risk Danny or Chin being hurt, but she might hurt herself with her thirst for revenge.

"I would never do that!" she protested weakly. His words slowly sunk in and she felt the meaning behind them, the intention he didn´t voice. She knew and she understood but it still hurt. She bent her head.

"Kono..." he said, putting a finger under her chin and lifting her face so she would look at him. "We will find her murderer. We´ll find the evidence against Mike Powell, but we need to do it the right way, okay? No court would approve a trial without cast iron proof." For a second Steve thought he could hear Danny telling him to be by the book and he refused to acknowledge the fact that he had just switched roles with his partner.

Kono felt his breath on her face and nodded.

"Let me take care of that." he said softly and again she nodded. His finger still rested against her chin and he had begun to draw slow circles against her soft skin, unaware of his actions.

"I´m sorry for your loss...," he whispered, lost in the depths of her eyes. He didn´t realize that he leaned in closer, feeling her breath on his face, her soft skin under his finger.

"Hey... woah, sorry. Whenever you are ready, Steve, we got something." Danny´s voice broke the moment and Steve´s head snapped back, his body tensed up and his hand left her face. Turning around to look at Danny, he nodded and tried to maintain calm. His heart was beating fast and his gut clenched when he realized that he had been about to kiss her. Again.

Turning his face to look at her again, he saw his own emotions on her face. She didn´t hide it. Steve stepped closer again, framing her face and looking into her eyes.

"I´ll get him." he said and felt her eyes on his lips. Cursing himself he leaned down and kissed her forehead, his lips lingering for a second longer than they should before turning around and leaving her office.

"You wanna tell me about it." Danny asked as soon as Steve joined him at the smart table. His partner stood there ramrod straight, arms crossed in front of his chest, his face not showing more than simple interest in the evidence, Danny had found.

Choosing to ignore Danny´s question he asked "What do we got?"

Untypical for Danny he allowed Steve to keep his secret. He had witnessed both Steve and Kono and despite the slight feeling of not liking this change, he knew better than to push his partner and friend. He knew that this was nothing either of them was willing to acknowledge and they weren´t willing to act on it. They were both fighting it and Danny had seen the look in their eyes that told him this was more than just simply physical attraction.

Maybe it was only that Danny didn´t know himself what to think about what he had just seen.

"Mike Powell was arrested by HPD 20 minutes ago." Danny said and Steve unfolded his arms, resting his hands on the table and leaning closer.

"He got careless?"

"He bet up a prostitute, threating to kill her. She was found in a backyard in Little Saigon. She´s in hospital now, he hurt her pretty badly. But she handed Powell´s wallet to the HPD officer."

"Okay, lets go." Steve headed to the glass doors with Danny, ready to get this son of a bitch who hurt and killed women like they were toys, existing only for his pleasure.

He didn´t dare glancing over at Kono.

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><p>Kono stared through the glass into the interrogation room where Mike Powell sat on a chair. Steve might have taken her from the investigation but she wouldn´t miss this. She wanted to see how he broke, how he confessed.<p>

She hadn´t seen him in years but she still remembered that her gut told her back then, when she had met him for the first time, that she shouldn´t trust him. Neela was about to marry him and she was so happy and so in love, so Kono hadn´t said a word. And now she asked herself if she could have saved Neela´s life.

He was tall with blond curls and piercing blue eyes. He was the surfer type, only that he had perfectly manicured hands and his clothes were obviously too expensive. Kono knew that he wasn´t working, not really. He was working for his dad but basically his job was "being a son". He was the typical picture of a rich snob who expected the whole world to evolve around him. And him only.

She watched him absently touch his forearm, carefully lifting the fabric of his suit and Kono narrowed her eyes. His face flinched and Kono realized that it was pain edging on his face.

"Hey." Steve´s dark voice behind her made her turn and look at him.

"Check his right forearm." she said. Steve raised an eyebrow at her.

"He seems to be in pain and I think I know what you´ll find." she said. Steve looked at Powell and saw the same gesture Kono had seen moments ago. Powell´s forearm seemed to be sensitive and the expensive fabric seemed to rub over some very delicate skin.

He flashed her a cocky grin. "Wanna watch?" he asked and Kono smiled. She nodded at him and watched him enter the room.

"Mr. Powell, I´m Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett, 5-0." Steve introduced himself casually, as if he was greeting someone he´d met in a park on a lazy Sunday afternoon walk. His movements were smooth and relaxed, his eyes firmly on Powell, searching his face for any evidence, and sign of weakness he could use.

"Why am I here?" Powell asked.

"You are here, because you bet Tracy Ingram up. You broke 3 of her rips, her left arm and you cut her various times. Plus you raped her when she was unconscious and threatened to kill her."

"You have no evidence." Kono felt her anger rise when he sounded so awfully sure about himself.

"You are wrong, Mr. Powell, we do have evidence. Your wallet and Ms. Ingram´s statement when she was found."

"She´s a whore, of course she´s lying."

"You think? Let me tell you, Mr. Powell, that I have not the slightest doubt about her credibility." Steve sat down on a chair and placed some pictures on the table in front of Powell.

"This is Tracy Ingram, Mr. Powell, after you left her to die in a backyard." Steve´s voice got hard. He took out another picture and placed it on the table. This time it wasn´t Tracy Ingram and he glanced at the mirror quickly, apologizing to Kono with a look.

"And this is your wife." Steve said gently. Kono saw Powell flinch but he tried to mask his feelings. He reached out to pull the picture closer and Steve´s hand grabbed his right forearm with more force than necessary. Powell screamed, surprised by Steve´s movement, unable to hide the pain that he felt.

"Are you okay, Mr. Powell? It seems you´re in pain. We should have a look at your arm, to make sure that you are okay."

"I´m fine." he hissed, his jaw tense.

"Humor me, Mr. Powell!" his voice wouldn´t allow any protest. His eyes dared Powell to say a word and Kono had no doubt that Steve would rip his sleeve off if need be. She chuckled inwardly.

"I want my lawyer." Powell hissed, carefully holding his arm after Steve had let go of him.

"I´m sure you do, Mr. Powell. In the meantime we´ll have a look at your arm, just to make sure it´s nothing serious that would require medical help."

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><p>Kono took a deep breath, trying to fight the bile rising in her throat. She sat outside of HQ on the grass, feeling the warm sun on her skin. Trying to calm her nerves down, it felt like a huge burden was taken from her shoulders. Powell confessed after Steve forced him to reveal the burnings on his right forearm. He broke down, sobbing and whining like a baby.<p>

Steve had told him to not say anything until his lawyer was there, but it seemed that Powell didn´t care. He had to get it off his chest as soon as he started talking.

Kono knew that she wouldn´t like to hear what Powell was about to say, but she had no idea it would hurt that much. Neela wanted to divorce him, his father abandoned him after he found out what happened. So he followed her to Hawaii and killed her. Locking her in her car and setting it on fire. Neela had died, burning alive in her car while he had watched.

"Come here." Two strong arms wrapped around her and she thankfully buried her face in his neck, holding onto him for dear life. Steve whispered words of comfort and held her tight. Breathing in his scent calmed her down and for once she didn´t mind the effect he had on her at all. She needed him right now.


	11. Chapter 11

**I know I didn´t find the time to respond to those nice reviews, my sincerest apologies. Here is the next chapter. I´d love to know what you think!**

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><p>He knew exactly where to find her. Out there in the water on her board, riding wave after wave. Steve sat down on the warm sand and watched her, waiting for her to get tired. It was something about the way she moved, the way she nearly attacked the waves that showed him how deep her pain, her need for relief was. It´s been 4 days since Mike Powell was found guilty and sentenced to a life in prison for 1st degree murder of his wife, Neela. Kono´s friend.<p>

The sentencing had taken a little of the edge off of Kono, like she would finally be able to accept the death of her friend and learn to live with it every day. They had brought her murderer to justice but Steve knew that it wouldn´t make things okay again just like that. Kono was more silent now, more thoughtful. She was working harder and she´d brush off their concerns. Danny had been the first. Then Chin. And Steve had tried as well, knowing how she´d react, but he tried anyway.

She hadn´t brushed off his concern though surprisingly. She had only looked at him and smiled, a genuine smile that was too small to coax those dimples he loved. But it was a smile. And she had left earlier. That´s why he was here.

The sun began to kiss the ocean and the light changed to a warm purple, when Kono finally left the water, ramming her board into the sand only a few feet away and dropping next to him. She was breathing heavy but Steve saw that the tension had left her shoulders.

"Hey boss." she greeted him and grabbed a bottle of water from her cooler, downing it in a few gulps.

He smiled at her and watched some water droplets run over her cheek, her neck and then down her shoulder.

"Hey."

"You didn´t have to come here to check on me. I´m doing okay." she said and looked at him.

"Don´t tell anyone but I think Danny is rubbing off on me and I start to become a mother hen." he chuckled and Kono laughed whole heartedly. It was a wonderful sound, full of life and fun and Steve realized just how much he had missed that.

"Your secret is safe with me, Boss."

"We´re not working... it´s Steve." he said and bumped her shoulder.

"Steve..." she repeated and her tone got softer, gentler. Steve liked the way she said his name.

"Feeling better now?" he asked, nodding to the ocean where he had watched her for nearly 2 hours surfing.

"Yeah... not perfect, but definitely better."

"Are you hungry?" Kono asked and Steve looked at her surprised, but nodded. "Okay, dinner is on me. I just need to change into dry clothes and we´re good to go. There is a small diner at the Uluniu Avenue." Steve chuckled.

"Me´s?" he asked and Kono laughed.

"I love that food." she said and stood up. Grabbing her stuff she went over to her truck to get changed.

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><p>Steve´s laughter warmed her insight and she smiled at him brightly while she shared stories about her childhood, Neela, their adventures as kids and teenagers with him. It felt good to be able to talk about all that, to share the wonderful and precious memories with someone. The pain was still inside, holding her heart in a vice, but remembering her with a fond laugh was what Neela would have wanted her to do. And Kono couldn´t think of anyone else she´d rather share those memories with right now.<p>

"Hey Cuz." Chin greeted her and when he saw her smile, he was relieved. She looked better, more relaxed and at ease.

"Hey, my favorite cousin." she kissed his cheek and grabbed a mug, filled it with coffee and sat down next to him, grabbing one of his doughnuts and taking a delicious bite. Chin chuckled and she looked at him surprised.

"What?"

"You have some of the icing on your upper lip." He gently rubbed it away and watched her as she ate the little pastry with so much pleasure.

"I tried to call you last night." Chin said and Kono stopped eating, looking at him. Swallowing, she took a sip of her coffee before saying something.

"Yeah? When?"

"Around 11pm. I thought you´d need some company."

"Oh..." she took another sip of her coffee, unsure of what to say. But when she looked up, there was a smile on his face and his eyes were gently watching her.

"Steve and I had dinner at Me´s." she said and his smile grew a bit. "It´s not what you think! We had dinner as friends... he helped me. We talked about Neela a lot. He was... he was there for me." Her voice was merely a whisper.

"And apparently he did a great job, you look much better today, Kono."

She smiled and Chin realized, he had never seen that smile on her face before. It was something else, something that told him what he needed to know. Whatever Steve had done, it was exactly what Kono needed. He had been there for her, he had comforted her and he had reminded her of the wonderful memories of Neela.

Chin reached over and took her hand, squeezing it gently and smiling at her. He had never thought Steve would be the one, but he was just glad to see Kono being back to herself.

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><p><em>Kono watched fascinated how Steve´s face turned from pained to stoic in the blink of an eye. She had seen that many times before but this time it was something else, without being able to say why. <em>

_They were sitting in her office, Agent Fryer joined them, and it was more than obvious that Steve didn´t like that guy. But either way, he was here and Steve had just listened to Fryer telling him how IA had finally been able to put Delano behind bars, thanks to Kono._

_She felt Steve´s eyes on her but she refused to look at him. She knew that he had countless questions. He knew that she went undercover. He knew that she did a good job, that she proved herself. That she was a good cop. He had read the file. And Kono was certain that he knew details that weren´t written down in the file. Still he hadn´t interrupted Fryers report._

"_Thank you, Ms. Kalakaua. You did a good job and if you ever seek for another challenge outside of 5-0..." Fryer said but Steve interrupted him._

"_Not gonna happen." Steve´s voice was hard. Kono looked at him and then at Fryer._

"_Thank you. But I´m quiet happy where I am right now." This is where she belonged. And she knew this was where she wanted to be._

_Fryer shook her hand and it was a gesture full of respect. He left without another word to Steve._

_Steve turned around and looked out of the window, his arms crossed in front of his chest. His shoulders were tense and Kono sighed. This wouldn´t be easy. She hadn´t really expected it to be easy, she knew how much Steve hated the idea of her working undercover for someone else. Without him being able to provide back up._

"_Okay, spill it." she said and leaned back on her chair, watching him._

_Steve took his time. _

"_You didn´t tell me." he said and Kono closed her eyes for a moment. She should have known that he wouldn´t make it easier for her. No, he´d get to the tough and painful and disgusting part first. Because he knew that was what bothered her._

"_I couldn´t." _

"_It would have been easy to just open your mouth and tell me."_

"_Telling you...even telling you now is harder than it was actually doing it." she admitted silently and Steve turned around to look at her. Kono couldn´t read his face and she gave up a moment later, knowing that Steve wouldn´t let her see what he was thinking. He was too controlled right now, too calm._

"_Are you okay?" he finally asked._

"_Yes, I´m doing well. I was successful... I needed to do this to prove that I´m a good cop, Steve. This was more for me, than for helping IA."_

"_I know..." he combed his right hand through his hair and for a second, Kono saw the tension in his jaw and the turmoil in his eyes. Without thinking she got up and moved over to him, standing by his side._

"_What is it that really bothers you, Boss?"_

_He didn´t deny anything. He didn´t say he was fine, that nothing was bothering him. No, he just remained silent and unknowingly that told Kono more than he thought. There was a deeper meaning to all this, to his anger, his frustration._

"_Is it because of what you saw? Of what I did?" Her heart was beating painfully hard. She never wanted to voice these things. She never wanted to bring them between them, but she knew that she had to be open with him._

"_Don´t..." he began but never finished that sentence. Kono looked at him._

"_It´s still me, Steve." she whispered, knowing he needed her reassurance. He had seen the footage. He had listened to the voice mails, to her seductively talking to Delano. "That was not who I really am. It was a role. Nothing more." she said._

_Steve turned his head and looked at her, their eyes locked._

"_I didn´t recognize you." he said silently and even though his voice was soft, it hurt Kono._

"_I know. I didn´t either."_

"_Why?"_

"_Because I had to do it. It was the right thing to do."_

"_You could have been killed."_

"_I was safe the whole time, Steve."_

"_You could have lost yourself."_

_And this time Kono didn´t protest. She wouldn´t lie to him._

"_I was reminded by someone that I still have my ohana." she said and couldn´t help the tremble in her voice._

"_You always will have your ohana."_


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you for everyone who read until this point. This is the last chapter. To be honest, I don´t know how to feel about this story. It was more of a challenge, to see if I can write something like that. Because I don´t see this ever happening between them. Maybe that is why I feel good about ending it at this point.  
><strong>

**A special thank you to Shakespeare´s Lemonade! You inspired and encouraged me and with you, this story never would have been written!**

**I hope you all enjoyed it and I´d love to know what you think!**

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><p>"Could you stop moving around and sit still? Just for a second? Please!" Danny ranted and sighed heavily, combing his hand through his blond strands with a frustrated groan.<p>

Kono opened her mouth to reply, but shut it when Danny glared at her. No matter how much she loved teasing him and making fun of him, she knew when to stop. And it was more than obvious that the blond detective´s patience was wearing thin.

She slumped down on one of the plastic chairs beside Danny and rubbed her hands on her thighs.

"Why does it take so long?" she asked quietly and Danny turned his head to look at her. Seeing the rookie so upset and unsteady was something Danny wasn´t used to and for the first time since they arrived at the hospital 2 hours ago, he wondered how he could have been so blind. But then again, his own worry for his friend and partner had clouded his vision. He wasn´t the only one worried.

"He´ll be okay, Babe." he assured Kono and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly as if that little gesture would make any difference. Kono looked up at him and tried to smile but failed miserably.

"I hope so, Danny." she whispered and bit her lip. Her inside was raw and she knew that her behaviour surprised Danny, but she couldn´t help it. This just proved to be too much for her and she was done with hiding her feelings. She couldn´t pretend to be strong and optimistic, not for Danny and certainly not for herself.

Because the truth was that Kono was scared. It wasn´t the first time Steve was shot and it wasn´t the first time he was in hospital. But this time? This time was different. Kono felt it in her gut, felt it in the trembling of her hands. It had taken almost all of her courage to accept that this time she was really scared.

Things had changed. So much has happened. Her whole world was turned upside down and she had no idea how to fix it. She didn´t even know if it had to be fixed. She just knew that she was walking on unfamiliar ground and she had to watch every step. Because one stumble would end in a catastrophe.

"Detective Williams?" the voice of the doctor approaching them, startled her.

Danny would have laughed when Kono flinched, reminding him of a cartoon figure that was exaggerating every move into a caricature. But he was too worried himself, so he chose to ignore Kono´s reaction and focus on what the doctor would have to tell them.

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><p>Steve felt a tender caress on his cheek. Soft fingers that touched his forehead, easing the frown. The caress was strangely familiar, but Steve wasn´t sure how to make himself known. There was a shaken breath, sounding more like a sob. And instantly Steve knew who it was.<p>

"I´m tired of seeing you like this, Boss!" Kono whispered and he heard her sniffing.

Kono needed to touch him, feel the warmth of his skin to convince herself that he was alive, that he was still there and that there was life inside the immobile body. Her fingers trembled when she leaned down and hesitated, her lips only a breath away from his. And then she leaned down and kissed his lips, slowly, gently. Feeling the warmth of his breath on her face, Kono cherished the feeling of his soft lips against hers. Lingering for seconds, she tried to keep the sobs from leaving her shaking body.

With her hands framing his face she willed him to wake up. Her tears left her blind, unable to see anything, but only feel his lips, his warmth. It was so good to be able to touch him and to feel him. She had fought so hard since them moment Danny had called Chin to tell her that Steve had been shot.

It didn´t even seem awkward that she was kissing him now. Maybe she felt safe because he was unconscious, maybe it was just too much to handle.

"You know, you´re the only one I know that gets shot while buying a Puka dog." Kono said, a smile on her lips while she brushed off the tears that she couldn´t hide.

She was thankful that Danny allowed her some time alone with Steve. Her subconscious told her that Danny knew more than he let on, but she didn´t care. She was beyond that point after hours of waiting for a doctor to tell them if Steve would survive.

"I don´t know how to do this, Steve..." she whispered and moved away from the bed, staring out the window as if there was something out there that would help her find the answer. "I´m not prepared for this, even though it´s not coming by surprise. But still I don´t know what to do..." Kono bent her head and closed her eyes, tears threatening to spill through her closed eyelids.

Steve wanted to reach out to her, assure her, tell her that he was okay. He felt fear in his stomach, fear that the current events would drive a wedge between them and push them further apart. Fear that whatever happened between them was going to end because it was too much to handle. Too much to bear. Too much to feel.

He wasn´t completely blind and he could only ignore the shift in their relationship that much. He had felt it and his inside had wanted it so badly. Still he felt his conscious hold him back every time he came too close to cross the invisible line.

"It´s crazy... It´s insane, Steve!" she whispered, hugging herself. She wished he would be there and hold her, put his arms around her and let her escape from the cruel reality. Kono drew in a shuddering breath and rammed her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.

"How can we let this happen, Steve?" she finally whispered. This shooting had made her realize something that she tend to forget at times. Things can end in the blink of an eye. Things that you take for granted can be taken from you without an explanation and without a chance of getting them back.

Steve felt a sting inside. It hurt. Because it was the same thing he told himself every single time he looked at her when she smiled at him. When she laughed with him. When she had his back. His body betrayed him and he couldn´t even make his fingers twitch, he just wanted to touch her.

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><p>Danny watched Kono sleep on a chair beside Steve´s bed, her head resting on Steve´s thigh, her hand holding his. He knew that the woman hadn´t left Steve´s side for a second while he had been downstairs to get some coffee, call the Governor and just took his time to digest what had happened.<p>

The sight greeting him when he entered Steve´s room again was something Danny hadn´t expected.

Kono was asleep, but what really got to him were here tear stroked cheeks. She had cried and Danny could only imagine what her tears were for. If it was fear of loosing Steve. Or fear of realizing that things had changed and that whatever it was that had changed was making her act like this.

Slowly he entered the room and stepped closer to Kono to wake her up gently. It was time for her to go home, sleep, and then maybe come back when she was feeling better.

* * *

><p>"You do know that if Danny or Chin walk in right now, we´ll never see the end of this, right?" she murmured sleepily, snuggling closer against him, sighing happily when his arms tightened around her. She was careful not to touch the wound, but she should have known better than to resist him when he wanted to have her close.<p>

Steve mm-mm-ed softly and felt her relax against him. Her head rested on his shoulder, one leg thrown over his and her body melted against him. And it felt so damn right to have her close, to hold her and to feel her warmth. He didn´t care to analyze those feelings, he was just content to be in this position.

Who cared about noisy partners or overprotective cousins? He definitely didn´t, not when he finally held her.

Feeling sleep slowly claiming him, he pressed his face into her hair and inhaled the scent of coconut.

To him Kono smelled like Hawaii, like home. It was a familiar scent that you grow up with, that reminds you of wonderful moments, yet it was new and exciting.

He felt her fingers drawing patterns on his chest and enjoyed the featherlight touch. He had sensed her need to touch him as often as possible and even though he knew that she tried to be as subtle as possible, he understood that need. It was the assurance she needed to make herself believe that things would be okay again.

"Goodnight, Steve." she whispered and hearing her using his name made him smile.

"Goodnight, Kono." he replied softly and before sleep claimed him fully and his consciousness slipped away into dreamland, he felt her kiss his cheek.

* * *

><p>When Kono turned around the corner she saw him, leaning forward, hands on his thighs, trying to take deep breaths to fill his lungs with much needed air. The suspect lay on the floor, handcuffed, immobile.<p>

"Hey Boss, you okay?" she asked worried when she approached him.

"Yeah, I´m fine." he said, straightening up and smiling at her. "A little out of breath." he grinned at her and she answered with a full-dimple smile herself.

"Don´t let Danny hear this, he´s gonna kick your sorry ass for being out chasing bad guys again." she teased and Steve chuckled.

"He´d probably give me a lecture as to why I should rest more and that I sound more like my dad´s car."

"Likely." she agreed chuckling, taking the suspect from him.

Heading back around the corner she handed the suspect to HPD, thankful that they´d take over and put him behind bars.

"Where is Danny?" she asked and turned to Steve, who smiled at her and nodded over to his right.

There he was, leaning against an HPD car, legs and arms crossed, his suit pants and white shirt with rolled up sleeves looking familiar, even in the heat of Hawaii. He had lost his tie though over the past couple of months and Kono thought she might even remember him wearing shorts and flip-flops.

His face was a huge grin when he met her eyes and he showed her thumbs up. He had made sure that HPD had the suspect and he even found enough time to find out that the guy they caught was not only the one who gave the order, but also that HPD had been tracing him for the past 2 years for another crime.

"You look awfully cheery, Danny." Steve said when he approached them. They watched HPD leave and then Danny turned around, a smug smile on his face.

"Well, I would say that I have every right to be cheery, Steve. Our suspect is not only the guy we are looking for but HPD had a very profound interest in catching him for a drug bust gone wrong 2 years ago that left 3 HPD officer´s dead. So yes, I´d say it´s been a very productive and fruitful day."

Steve nodded, a smile tugging at his lips.

"The beer´s on me tonight." Danny grinned, putting an arm around Kono´s waist and pulled her with him. "I think we all deserved some cool beer and a few laughs. See rookie, that is what every police officer consider a successful day. One perp less on the street, HPD is happy and we are going to call it a day." Steve chuckled silently following Danny and Kono. Danny was right, this was a good day.

* * *

><p>Kono let her fingers slide over the cold stone gently, tracing the name with a sad smile on her lips. It´s been 3 months since Neela´s funeral and reality had finally sunk in. Neela wasn´t coming back and there would be no more laughing about silly jokes or making new memories. All she had left were the memories they already had. Knowing that her murderer was sentenced to spend the rest of his pathetic life behind bars made it more bearable, but not easier.<p>

"I wish I had known her." a low, gentle voice said and she lifted her head, smiling at Steve.

"You would have loved her. She was someone who got along with almost anybody. She was a great friend."

"I would have loved to hear stories about your childhood." he teased and crunched down beside her, gently grabbing her hand.

"That is the only thing I don´t regret, that you´ll never find out now about my dark secrets."

"Oh, don´t be too sure about that, Kalakaua. I have ways..."

Chuckling Kono leaned against him, thankful for his strength.

"Thank you for coming here." She didn´t ask him how he found her. She didn´t care. He was here, that was all that mattered.

Standing up, she pulled him with her, never letting go of his hand. Slowly they made their way back to his black truck in silence. But it wasn´t uncomfortable. And even though Steve saw sadness and loneliness in Kono´s eyes, he also knew that she was okay over all.

"Wanna go for a drink?" he asked, ignoring the voice inside his head that told him he just tried to avoid saying good bye.

"I don´t feel like going to a bar..." she smiled at him. She didn´t say no...

"I have a bottle of Zinfandel in the fridge..." Steve smiled and Kono answered his smile.

"Let´s go then."

* * *

><p>"I´m tipsy." Kono giggled and leaned against him. She was soaking wet, maybe jumping into the waves with all her clothes on in the middle of the night after emptying the bottle of Californian Zinfandel wasn´t such a good idea.<p>

"You´re not tipsy, Kono," Steve steadied her by wrapping an arm around her waist. She smiled at him sweetly. "You´re fucking hammered." Her smile turned into a scowl that made Steve laugh.

"I am not... drunk!" she protested, swaying a little more and holding onto him. Giggling.

"Okay... maybe a little." Steve´s laughter cut through the dark night and she couldn´t help the smile on her face.

"It´s okay." Steve assured her.

Kono beamed up at him and he felt himself being drawn to her. Again. And then she stumbled, falling against him.

"Oops..." Her hands on his shoulders, her body flush against his, her smile bright and not the least bit shy.

"Come on, Kono, you can crash in Mary´s bed." Steve said, trying to stay rational. It would have been so easy to just... kiss her. Give in to his need of having her. Feeling her. Tasting her. Loving her. But he wasn´t as tipsy as she was, so in the morning he would have no excuse.

Suddenly Kono got serious and her arms wrapped around his neck, their eyes locked. She studied him for a minute. This was her boss. And he was the man that she had spend the past year with laughing, arguing, fighting and working. She knew him, yet there were still so many things she wanted to know about him.

Neela´s death and the day Steve was shot again made her realize that she wasn´t living her life to regret things. Life was about the moment, about celebrating life, about cherishing and not hiding, not denying and not hurting. There were no guarantees in life, no one would present you a chance on a silver tablet. But when they occurred, when someone held that shiny-dangly-thing in front of you, you need to take it.

"What are we gonna do about this?" she asked, waiting for him to make a decision, for him to make it right. For him to make sense. Steve didn´t pretend to not understand her. He knew what she was talking about and he also knew that there was no running anymore. They had both tried to ignore it for too long.

"We should do the right thing." he whispered but wrapped his arms around her waist, telling himself it was only to steady her.

Kono read in his eyes, what his mouth didn´t tell her. She saw the same longing that burned deep inside her. She saw the way he cared about her. She saw the gentleness and the responsibility. And right then, everything made sense. All the careful moving around each other over the last months. All the hidden looks, the cautious smiles.

They had been dancing around the edge for so long now, always careful to not slip, to not stumble and to not fall. And in that very moment Kono realized that it was okay to fall. He´d have her back... and she´d have his.

"What is the right thing?" she asked, involuntarily moving closer to him, tightening the hold on his neck.

"Not giving in." he murmured, when his eyes moved to her lips and he followed the subtle pull of her arms and bend down a bit more.

"What do you want to do?"

Steve moaned, cursing inwardly. She was so warm, so welcoming and she was all he wanted right now. He had been fighting this for too long. Admitting it to himself, he knew that it was inevitable that they finally came here, being in this situation where all those hidden looks, gestures and words were suddenly out in the open.

"Kono..." Her breath on his lips made him swallow hard and pull her even closer. Even though his head might scream to let go, his body and his heart told him something different. For once he wasn´t fighting his demons but his own needs.

"Put it out there, Steve... Tell me." she said, feeling one of his legs sliding between hers while his hands on her waist pulled her closer if that was even possible.

"Not a good idea."

"Maybe... " she agreed while there lips were so close she could feel them move against hers.

"It would make everything complicated... we´re working with each other." he murmured, his eyes locked with hers.

"Yeah... you´re my boss." Her hands slid into his hair, pulling his head closer.

"Chin would kill me." His voice was merely a throaty whisper.

"He wouldn´t..." Tiptoeing Kono leaned closer, making him slide his arms all around her waist.

"I might have control issues." Another low moan.

"I could help you loosening the tension." Her lips started to tingle.

"This is no game!" Suddenly his voice got harsh, as if he was warning her not to think that all he wanted was a one-night-thing.

"No, it´s not a game... it´s all or nothing." Kono whispered. Steve pulled his head back slightly to look into her eyes, searching for the truth behind her words. He finally moaned and gave in.

His lips crashed down on hers, demanding, forcefully, yet ever so gentle. Kono moaned, wrapping herself around him tightly. He felt the curves of her lips, tasted the wine. Everything seemed to fall into place and he couldn´t stop himself from wanting more.

Kono cherished the feeling of his lips against hers. Finally, after months of fighting and ignoring, avoiding and denying, she kissed him. She tasted him. It was purely Steve, hot, manly, giving, caring, loving, demanding and she moaned, when she felt what he would refer to as his control issues. He was possessive, not giving her a chance to back off and Kono didn´t really want to.

When his tongue touched her upper lip, teasing the sensitive curve, coaxing her into opening up and welcoming him, he heard her whimper. And he knew, that she wanted the same thing he wanted. He needed. He craved.

They lost themselves in that kiss, only breaking apart when the need for air became too much to ignore. Looking into her eyes, Steve found himself feeling strangely nervous. What if he misread her? Kono´s face was serious while she held his gaze. But then a genuine and very gentle smile appeared on her face.

"You´re wrong, " she whispered, watching him narrow his eyes and look at her, waiting for an answer. "I consider this... US... the right thing!" And with that she pulled him down again, melting their lips together.


End file.
